blogging about flies is my first blog challenge. i must say, i am fairly excited about it!
now, what do i know about flies?? hmmm..well..college biology lab - we "grew" fruit flies and, subsequently, killed them. they only live about two weeks. i remember thinking, "how sad. ONLY two weeks of life?!"
i wonder what i would do, if i were only alive two weeks? that is a lot of time i could spend catching up on my tivo recordings. of course, not sure how important tv would be, if i only had two weeks to live. let me think. OOOOH!! i would fly to japan and participate in one of those ridiculous game shows!! yes! i would, definitely, do that! what else? duh..of course..learn jiu-jitsu, so that the next time i hit someone and shout, "JUDO CHOP," i, actually, know what i am doing - rather than simply pissing off the guy in front of me in the checkout line. (he just looked like a tool. i had no choice. you would have done the same.) wait..i totally know - jazzercise!! since the first time i watched "the grinch," with jim carrey, i have been DYING to go to a class! (mainly, so i can say it how he says it - "i am off to 'yazzercise!'" i laugh, everytime!) OH.MY.GOSH - I KNOW!! the sensor detectors at the door of walmart - you know how they occasionally go off, even though you are certain you did not steal anything (this time)?! well, i have ALWAYS wanted to take off running like hell - just to see what they would do. (i think i may try that, tomorrow, actually.)
umm..wait..what was this post supposed to be about? oh..yeah..flies.
i wish i could fly. that would be a pretty cool talent to have for those damned school talent shows. pfft..little jimmy knows how to play the piano. harumph..adorable rebecca can tap. EFF THEM!! why..because I.CAN.FLY!! TOP THAT, BITCHES!! (now, i have the peter pan song stuck in my head.)
here is something fly-related: some of you have witnessed this, but may not have realized what you were seeing. i was told - when i was much younger - that when flies land, they regurgitate. this "fact" has stuck with me. (i should probably look it up.) as a result, i nearly lose my cool, when a fly lands on me. as germophobic as i am, the thought of anything vomiting on my arm - it is too much! so..yeah..i will swing my arms about madly, while trying not to scream and/or pass out, to prevent the fly from landing on me. (yeah, definitely going to look it up, now.)
http://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/2061/do-flies-vomit-every-time-they-land
okay..so, basically, yes. regurgitate, vomit, drool - whatever you want to call it - i am freaked out!! NASTY! furthermore - thanks to my research - i, now, have to worry (not only about fly upchuck), but e.coli traces on its feet. FAAAAABULOUS!! JUST FABULOUS! i am totally stopping this post. thanks a lot, leslie schofield!!
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Monday, August 29, 2011
i begin to search for the shotgun
the only women who will understand this are those who share a bed, with a man who snores (or a grizzly bear).
warren snores. no surprise there. he is a big guy, who falls asleep the moment his head hits the pillow and remains near comatose, until his alarm goes off - for a SECOND time! (the issue of hearing his alarm go off TWICE deserves a blog posting all on its own!) if i am being honest, although the snoring is insane, it is really just the addition of salt to an already seeping wound that sends me over the edge. i have insomnia. sleep has NEVER been easy for me, and it, sadly, continues to get worse. it does not matter if i go to bed at 10p or 2a, the result is always the same - me lying on my back, staring up into the abyss, trying to determine where the black void ends and the ceiling begins. this is frustrating - all by itself. however, coupling this situation with my husband's snoring - TORTURE!!
a typical evening for me: exhausted. decide to attempt sleep. crawl into bed. turn on fan. turn off lights. snuggle up under covers. close eyes. FOUR SECONDS LATER - roll over, believing a position change is going to solve all my problems. two minutes later - roll BACK over. grab cell phone. (perhaps, a little facebook/email check will put me out.) an hour to an hour and a half later - "SHIT!! when did it become TOMORROW?!! it is 12:30a, and i have to get up early!!" (why is it *always* the case that when you have a horrible night's sleep, you never have a free day the next morning?! NEVER!) immediately put phone down, swearing not to touch it til the alarm goes off, pissed that warren is right. (i seriously have an addiction to facebook and texting.) stare at ceiling for another 30 min. chest begins to tighten, as the realization that i now have "X" amount of hours left before my alarm goes off is weighing heavy on my mind. heart starts to race. anxiety kicking in. great..now i have to pee. get up. use facilities. wash hands. cannot find hand towel. shake hands, vigorously. am, again, reminded that i am supposed to invent glow-in-the dark towels. crawl back into bed. it is now 1:15a!! where is warren? (he fell asleep on the couch hours ago, as he nods off the moment the tv is turned on. bastard!) 1:30a. on the verge of, possibly, nodding off. warren enters bedroom - "silently." (by the time he walks the 30 ft from the door to his side of the bed, he has slammed the bedroom door, stepped on a dog - who yelps, stubbed his toe on the leather bench at the foot of our bed, and taken approximately an hour to dock his damn cell phone in its "convenient" docking station. i pretend to be asleep, as yelling at him will only further awaken me.) warren, FINALLY, crawls into bed - "stealthily." (i am convinced he hides a small trampoline under the bed, pulls it out, and catapults himself into the bed. during this process, he somehow becomes entangled in the sheets, as i hear and feel him fighting his way out. again, i remain calm and still, as not worth it.) TWO EFFIN' SECONDS LATER - SNOOOOOORING! at this point, i am sleep-deprived and soo incredibly pissed off! (this asshole JUST lied down!! HOW IN THE HELL IS HE ASLEEP *AND* SNORING, ALREADY?! DID HE TAKE A HORSE TRANQ BEFORE COMING IN HERE?! MORE IMPORTANTLY, WHY DID HE NOT HORSE TRANQ ME?! WHAT HAPPENED TO THE "TWO SOULS JOINED AS ONE" BULLSHIT WE RECITED AT OUR WEDDING?! WHAT A JERK!!) after a minute or two, i am calm, convincing myself that he cannot help that he has no problem falling asleep. i am merely jealous, and there is no need to loathe him. i lie there for a few more minutes, hoping the snoring will cease. (why i go through this SAME, DAMN ROUTINE every evening, i will never know. i am already perfectly aware that no matter how long i lie there, the snoring WILL continue, until he rolls over. alas, i always attempt to wait it out.) i continue to lie there long enough that i have already debated whether or not i could murder him, hide the body, and get away with it. once i snap back to reality (not so much reality, as coming to the conclusion that some nosey neighbor - gina noble - would see me dragging his lifeless body into my backyard and tell the walkers - married state trooper neighbors), i start to take action. at first, i try my very best to be polite.
*baby cough.* wait with bated breath.
SNORE!
*cough. COUGH.*
SNORE!
i, then, employ the noise AND movement tactic. *cough. roll over.*
SNORE!
*COUGH. roll over, while kicking legs, so sheets rustle.*
SNORE!!
NOW, one of the dogs is snoring, too!! UN-EFFIN'-BELIEVABLE! AM I THE ONLY ONE, WHO CANNOT SLEEP, IN THIS HOUSE?! I NEED TO STEP UP MY GAME! *COUGH. COUGH. CATAPULT SELF IN AIR, ROLL OVER, AND LAND ON OTHER SIDE!!*
SNOOOOORE!!
*THRASHING ABOUT VIOLENTLY. PLOTTING MURDER. SEIZING. HACKING UP A LUNG.* dogs now whimpering. (I HATE THIS MAN!!!)
SNOO..gasp for air..silence!
i freeze and stop breathing, afraid to make a move. completely thrilled, as warren has stopped snoring, and i did not even have to smother him with a pillow. i realize, after freaking out in the bed beside him, i am absolutely exhausted. perhaps, i can fall asleep, now. *roll over.* pillow super inviting. just beginning to drift off to sleep. sheep frolicking in a peaceful meadow. i am not in prison for murder. my life is wonderful. i love the man lying besi...
SNOOOOOOOOOOOORE!
*i begin to search for the shotgun.*
*oh..yeah..happy birthday, warren. i want a divorce.
warren snores. no surprise there. he is a big guy, who falls asleep the moment his head hits the pillow and remains near comatose, until his alarm goes off - for a SECOND time! (the issue of hearing his alarm go off TWICE deserves a blog posting all on its own!) if i am being honest, although the snoring is insane, it is really just the addition of salt to an already seeping wound that sends me over the edge. i have insomnia. sleep has NEVER been easy for me, and it, sadly, continues to get worse. it does not matter if i go to bed at 10p or 2a, the result is always the same - me lying on my back, staring up into the abyss, trying to determine where the black void ends and the ceiling begins. this is frustrating - all by itself. however, coupling this situation with my husband's snoring - TORTURE!!
a typical evening for me: exhausted. decide to attempt sleep. crawl into bed. turn on fan. turn off lights. snuggle up under covers. close eyes. FOUR SECONDS LATER - roll over, believing a position change is going to solve all my problems. two minutes later - roll BACK over. grab cell phone. (perhaps, a little facebook/email check will put me out.) an hour to an hour and a half later - "SHIT!! when did it become TOMORROW?!! it is 12:30a, and i have to get up early!!" (why is it *always* the case that when you have a horrible night's sleep, you never have a free day the next morning?! NEVER!) immediately put phone down, swearing not to touch it til the alarm goes off, pissed that warren is right. (i seriously have an addiction to facebook and texting.) stare at ceiling for another 30 min. chest begins to tighten, as the realization that i now have "X" amount of hours left before my alarm goes off is weighing heavy on my mind. heart starts to race. anxiety kicking in. great..now i have to pee. get up. use facilities. wash hands. cannot find hand towel. shake hands, vigorously. am, again, reminded that i am supposed to invent glow-in-the dark towels. crawl back into bed. it is now 1:15a!! where is warren? (he fell asleep on the couch hours ago, as he nods off the moment the tv is turned on. bastard!) 1:30a. on the verge of, possibly, nodding off. warren enters bedroom - "silently." (by the time he walks the 30 ft from the door to his side of the bed, he has slammed the bedroom door, stepped on a dog - who yelps, stubbed his toe on the leather bench at the foot of our bed, and taken approximately an hour to dock his damn cell phone in its "convenient" docking station. i pretend to be asleep, as yelling at him will only further awaken me.) warren, FINALLY, crawls into bed - "stealthily." (i am convinced he hides a small trampoline under the bed, pulls it out, and catapults himself into the bed. during this process, he somehow becomes entangled in the sheets, as i hear and feel him fighting his way out. again, i remain calm and still, as not worth it.) TWO EFFIN' SECONDS LATER - SNOOOOOORING! at this point, i am sleep-deprived and soo incredibly pissed off! (this asshole JUST lied down!! HOW IN THE HELL IS HE ASLEEP *AND* SNORING, ALREADY?! DID HE TAKE A HORSE TRANQ BEFORE COMING IN HERE?! MORE IMPORTANTLY, WHY DID HE NOT HORSE TRANQ ME?! WHAT HAPPENED TO THE "TWO SOULS JOINED AS ONE" BULLSHIT WE RECITED AT OUR WEDDING?! WHAT A JERK!!) after a minute or two, i am calm, convincing myself that he cannot help that he has no problem falling asleep. i am merely jealous, and there is no need to loathe him. i lie there for a few more minutes, hoping the snoring will cease. (why i go through this SAME, DAMN ROUTINE every evening, i will never know. i am already perfectly aware that no matter how long i lie there, the snoring WILL continue, until he rolls over. alas, i always attempt to wait it out.) i continue to lie there long enough that i have already debated whether or not i could murder him, hide the body, and get away with it. once i snap back to reality (not so much reality, as coming to the conclusion that some nosey neighbor - gina noble - would see me dragging his lifeless body into my backyard and tell the walkers - married state trooper neighbors), i start to take action. at first, i try my very best to be polite.
*baby cough.* wait with bated breath.
SNORE!
*cough. COUGH.*
SNORE!
i, then, employ the noise AND movement tactic. *cough. roll over.*
SNORE!
*COUGH. roll over, while kicking legs, so sheets rustle.*
SNORE!!
NOW, one of the dogs is snoring, too!! UN-EFFIN'-BELIEVABLE! AM I THE ONLY ONE, WHO CANNOT SLEEP, IN THIS HOUSE?! I NEED TO STEP UP MY GAME! *COUGH. COUGH. CATAPULT SELF IN AIR, ROLL OVER, AND LAND ON OTHER SIDE!!*
SNOOOOORE!!
*THRASHING ABOUT VIOLENTLY. PLOTTING MURDER. SEIZING. HACKING UP A LUNG.* dogs now whimpering. (I HATE THIS MAN!!!)
SNOO..gasp for air..silence!
i freeze and stop breathing, afraid to make a move. completely thrilled, as warren has stopped snoring, and i did not even have to smother him with a pillow. i realize, after freaking out in the bed beside him, i am absolutely exhausted. perhaps, i can fall asleep, now. *roll over.* pillow super inviting. just beginning to drift off to sleep. sheep frolicking in a peaceful meadow. i am not in prison for murder. my life is wonderful. i love the man lying besi...
SNOOOOOOOOOOOORE!
*i begin to search for the shotgun.*
*oh..yeah..happy birthday, warren. i want a divorce.
Friday, August 26, 2011
OCD - only correct decisions
i am, constantly, going off on a tangent. (all friends and family, vigorously, shaking their heads in agreement.) the big things - they, rarely, faze me. the small things - they can send me over the absolute edge! i can spend a good hour or two ranting and raving about: the principle of giving exact change, at a restaurant (not presuming you are getting tipped and giving me $12.00, rather than the owed $12.63, when i have been without water since i finished my first glass - 40 minutes ago!); performing your job with integrity (whether you hate your life or not); marking my walmart receipt with a highlighter on the way out, when we BOTH know you watched me check out at the register 3 ft away!! (receipt already in my purse. feel free to follow me to my vehicle, mofo! i have an infant in my arms, who is T-minus 2 minutes til implosion!); and people who refuse to obey the rules (i will end up running over one of the brave souls, who attempt to cut me off, by using the non-existent drive-thru entrance into my local starbucks!). again, it is these "small" things that haunt me..daily. (you have no idea how exhausting it is to be inside my head.) i simply find myself irritated, by the most ridiculous things..probably because they are just that..RIDICULOUS!! calm, cool, and collected people can easily overlook these types of interactions with society. me..ooooh, HELL NO! my latest...
first, if you are just tuning in (seriously..where have you been?! the cool train left a couple weeks ago!), i have OCD. despite what my mother says, it does NOT control my life. i like to think of it as a disease state that helps me make wise and appropriate decisions. prime example - touching escalator handrails that may contain (and more than likely DO) traces of e.coli. i do not have to have OCD to know that i should NOT do this!! again, that is (straight up) an intelligent choice. okay..so..maaaybe ("sometimes") it can challenge my daily living. for instance, i cannot step on manhole covers, grates, or other objects that may plummet to the center of the earth, without so much as a warning. again, WISE decision-making! if i am going to go out like that, i want it to be because i jumped out of a plane, and my improperly packed parachute did not deploy - NOT because some jerk off (who no doubt hates his job and life), got lazy and decided to haphazardly throw the grate on the ground, without making sure it is properly installed/secure. do you know how pissed i would be, while falling into rat infested sewage (containing copious amounts of e.coli), that i am seconds away from death because i chose to risk it all and step ON the grate, rather than my usual sidestepping?! (i can see the headline now - "INNOCENT PEDESTRIAN TRAGICALLY DIES IN FREAK ACCIDENT. STEPS ON MANHOLE THAT WAS INSTALLED ON A MONDAY, BY A MAN WHO WAS HUNGOVER FROM THE PREVIOUS WEEKEND. UNCERTAIN IF THE ACTUAL IMPACT OR CONTACT WITH RARE RODENT VIRUS KILLED HER. SHE REALLY SHOULD HAVE SIDESTEPPED IT.")
anyway, getting back on track..my recent issue. last month, i went to las vegas. (this trip, alone, may warrant multiple blog posts!) obviously, during said trip, i stayed in a hotel. due to my aforementioned OCD, "living" outside my normal environment/routine can prove difficult. as a result, there are numerous things i MUST do, to make myself more comfortable. i am not bothered by it. i have been like this for as long as i can remember, so i am used to my neuroses. i have found ways to combat/survive, so i may live happily. in regard to hotel stays, one of the things i must do includes "setting up my room." this process involves unpacking and "placing" everything - pillow on bed, phone charger plugged in behind nightstand, portable fan erected in my direction, etc and so forth. the MOST important set up is the bathroom!! getting ready "out of a bag" is waaaay too much for me! i am **extremely** routine. i feel like i get lost/have no idea what "step" i am on, if my hygiene and cosmetic items are not organized. if the bathroom has a drawer, i will place the items in it, in a similar set up to what i have at home. if there are no drawers (which, i hate, as i like countertops to be free and clear), i am forced to create some sort of display, on the counter. this display allows me to easily utilize what i need, in an organized fashion. i, always, bring my own hand soap and bar soap. a) i am allergic to everything, and b) i like MY stuff! my toothbrush is placed in a glass, cup, or other holder that allows my toothbrush head to remain off the counter and free of germs (as free as possible, anyway). if there is a toilet within 10 ft of the sink, i must find some other place for my toothbrush (wrapped in a rag/towel, inside a drawer), as i refuse to allow the flushing toilet to contaminate my toothbrush with e.coli-laced water sprays!! (i find myself wondering who is still reading this and who has removed my blog from their favorites, as they are..now..convinced it is in their best interest to not know me. whatever. continue to live like a "war orphan." -- no idea. my mother says it. -- does not bother me. okay..that is a lie..*completely* bothers me! STOP IT! PLEASE! GERMS KILL!!)
the pictures below are not my usual set up, but were the best for the design of the hotel bathroom.
now, i am aware i have only posted two pictures of an entire bathroom setup. however, is it just me or would YOU, upon walking into this bathroom, not quickly realize - "this person, OBVIOUSLY, likes her belongings a certain way! i should NOT touch them!?" i mean, i do not believe the "no touching" fact requires a smack in the face. EVERYTHING in the entire bathroom area (sink, toilet, shower) is BLATANTLY organized! am i wrong in thinking this is apparent?!?!
exhibit A is not posted, as i was so tore up that i forgot to snap a picture. nonetheless, here is a description of what the picture would look like, had you walked into my hotel bathroom the second evening i was in vegas, after housekeeping had cleaned my room. the neatly organized rows of cosmetics...DESTROYED!! the maid picked them ALL up, set a rag down, and then proceeded to arrange my shit on top of the rag - in SIX *random* rows (AN EVEN NUMBER - MUST.BE.ODD!!!)! there was no order! NONE! i had a row for hair, face, and miscellaneous items! THIS woman had the AUDACITY to have my toothpaste and hair pomade - ARE YOU READY FOR THIS?! - IN THE SAME EFFIN' ROW!!! immediately, my mind started to spin out of control, trying to process what i was seeing! i was in near shock!! alas, before i could stop the inevitable spiral of my mind, i looked to my right..HOLY LIVING HELL!! MY TOOTHBRUSH..OH.MY.GOSH!! (HARD TO TYPE IT!) MYYYYY TOOTHBRUSH..THAT GOES IN MYYYYY *MOUTH!!*..HAD BEEN *TOUCHED!!* THIS BITCH TOOK IT *OUT* OF THE GLASS AND - TRYING TO BREATH - SET IT ON A RAG, ON THE COUNTER!!
exhibit B (staged, after i regained consciousness)
ARE YOU EFFIN' KIDDING ME?! i, honestly, do not know what was more appalling - the fact that my toothbrush was NOT in the safety of his glass, or the realization that someone who had just finished cleaning the toilet TOUCHED HIM!! (have i mentioned this device goes *INSIDE* my mouth?!) my mind started to spin so fast that i hit the ground. i tried to reach up and grab the phone to call 9-1-1, as i knew i was seconds awaying from having a transient ischemic attack! in the process, though, i had a brief moment of clarity and became *fully* aware that i was lying in the bathroom floor - and not just any bathroom floor - A VEGAS, HOTEL BATHROOM FLOOR! I COULD, LITERALLY, SEE THE E.COLI HAVING A PARTY, ON MY OUTSTRETCHED ARM! i had to army crawl, into the shower stall, and turn the knob to scalding! there i was..lying in the floor of the shower stall, clothes soaked, skin sloughing off and bubbling with burns, vomiting profusely, trying my best to not drown. finally, warren heard my cries of despair and entered the bathroom. while cracking up, he had to drag my lifeless body, out of the shower. we agreed i would start luvox, once i returned to kentucky. it would appear that time is now. (wish me luck.)
first, if you are just tuning in (seriously..where have you been?! the cool train left a couple weeks ago!), i have OCD. despite what my mother says, it does NOT control my life. i like to think of it as a disease state that helps me make wise and appropriate decisions. prime example - touching escalator handrails that may contain (and more than likely DO) traces of e.coli. i do not have to have OCD to know that i should NOT do this!! again, that is (straight up) an intelligent choice. okay..so..maaaybe ("sometimes") it can challenge my daily living. for instance, i cannot step on manhole covers, grates, or other objects that may plummet to the center of the earth, without so much as a warning. again, WISE decision-making! if i am going to go out like that, i want it to be because i jumped out of a plane, and my improperly packed parachute did not deploy - NOT because some jerk off (who no doubt hates his job and life), got lazy and decided to haphazardly throw the grate on the ground, without making sure it is properly installed/secure. do you know how pissed i would be, while falling into rat infested sewage (containing copious amounts of e.coli), that i am seconds away from death because i chose to risk it all and step ON the grate, rather than my usual sidestepping?! (i can see the headline now - "INNOCENT PEDESTRIAN TRAGICALLY DIES IN FREAK ACCIDENT. STEPS ON MANHOLE THAT WAS INSTALLED ON A MONDAY, BY A MAN WHO WAS HUNGOVER FROM THE PREVIOUS WEEKEND. UNCERTAIN IF THE ACTUAL IMPACT OR CONTACT WITH RARE RODENT VIRUS KILLED HER. SHE REALLY SHOULD HAVE SIDESTEPPED IT.")
anyway, getting back on track..my recent issue. last month, i went to las vegas. (this trip, alone, may warrant multiple blog posts!) obviously, during said trip, i stayed in a hotel. due to my aforementioned OCD, "living" outside my normal environment/routine can prove difficult. as a result, there are numerous things i MUST do, to make myself more comfortable. i am not bothered by it. i have been like this for as long as i can remember, so i am used to my neuroses. i have found ways to combat/survive, so i may live happily. in regard to hotel stays, one of the things i must do includes "setting up my room." this process involves unpacking and "placing" everything - pillow on bed, phone charger plugged in behind nightstand, portable fan erected in my direction, etc and so forth. the MOST important set up is the bathroom!! getting ready "out of a bag" is waaaay too much for me! i am **extremely** routine. i feel like i get lost/have no idea what "step" i am on, if my hygiene and cosmetic items are not organized. if the bathroom has a drawer, i will place the items in it, in a similar set up to what i have at home. if there are no drawers (which, i hate, as i like countertops to be free and clear), i am forced to create some sort of display, on the counter. this display allows me to easily utilize what i need, in an organized fashion. i, always, bring my own hand soap and bar soap. a) i am allergic to everything, and b) i like MY stuff! my toothbrush is placed in a glass, cup, or other holder that allows my toothbrush head to remain off the counter and free of germs (as free as possible, anyway). if there is a toilet within 10 ft of the sink, i must find some other place for my toothbrush (wrapped in a rag/towel, inside a drawer), as i refuse to allow the flushing toilet to contaminate my toothbrush with e.coli-laced water sprays!! (i find myself wondering who is still reading this and who has removed my blog from their favorites, as they are..now..convinced it is in their best interest to not know me. whatever. continue to live like a "war orphan." -- no idea. my mother says it. -- does not bother me. okay..that is a lie..*completely* bothers me! STOP IT! PLEASE! GERMS KILL!!)
the pictures below are not my usual set up, but were the best for the design of the hotel bathroom.
now, i am aware i have only posted two pictures of an entire bathroom setup. however, is it just me or would YOU, upon walking into this bathroom, not quickly realize - "this person, OBVIOUSLY, likes her belongings a certain way! i should NOT touch them!?" i mean, i do not believe the "no touching" fact requires a smack in the face. EVERYTHING in the entire bathroom area (sink, toilet, shower) is BLATANTLY organized! am i wrong in thinking this is apparent?!?!
exhibit A is not posted, as i was so tore up that i forgot to snap a picture. nonetheless, here is a description of what the picture would look like, had you walked into my hotel bathroom the second evening i was in vegas, after housekeeping had cleaned my room. the neatly organized rows of cosmetics...DESTROYED!! the maid picked them ALL up, set a rag down, and then proceeded to arrange my shit on top of the rag - in SIX *random* rows (AN EVEN NUMBER - MUST.BE.ODD!!!)! there was no order! NONE! i had a row for hair, face, and miscellaneous items! THIS woman had the AUDACITY to have my toothpaste and hair pomade - ARE YOU READY FOR THIS?! - IN THE SAME EFFIN' ROW!!! immediately, my mind started to spin out of control, trying to process what i was seeing! i was in near shock!! alas, before i could stop the inevitable spiral of my mind, i looked to my right..HOLY LIVING HELL!! MY TOOTHBRUSH..OH.MY.GOSH!! (HARD TO TYPE IT!) MYYYYY TOOTHBRUSH..THAT GOES IN MYYYYY *MOUTH!!*..HAD BEEN *TOUCHED!!* THIS BITCH TOOK IT *OUT* OF THE GLASS AND - TRYING TO BREATH - SET IT ON A RAG, ON THE COUNTER!!
exhibit B (staged, after i regained consciousness)
ARE YOU EFFIN' KIDDING ME?! i, honestly, do not know what was more appalling - the fact that my toothbrush was NOT in the safety of his glass, or the realization that someone who had just finished cleaning the toilet TOUCHED HIM!! (have i mentioned this device goes *INSIDE* my mouth?!) my mind started to spin so fast that i hit the ground. i tried to reach up and grab the phone to call 9-1-1, as i knew i was seconds awaying from having a transient ischemic attack! in the process, though, i had a brief moment of clarity and became *fully* aware that i was lying in the bathroom floor - and not just any bathroom floor - A VEGAS, HOTEL BATHROOM FLOOR! I COULD, LITERALLY, SEE THE E.COLI HAVING A PARTY, ON MY OUTSTRETCHED ARM! i had to army crawl, into the shower stall, and turn the knob to scalding! there i was..lying in the floor of the shower stall, clothes soaked, skin sloughing off and bubbling with burns, vomiting profusely, trying my best to not drown. finally, warren heard my cries of despair and entered the bathroom. while cracking up, he had to drag my lifeless body, out of the shower. we agreed i would start luvox, once i returned to kentucky. it would appear that time is now. (wish me luck.)
Monday, August 22, 2011
addiction
i am not sure, where to begin this story. i am, both, amused and disturbed..all at the same time. two hours ago, warren and i decided to take mac on a frosty run. knowing how much my mother loves sharing a frosty with riley, i called her up to tell her that we were on our way to get her. this is what ensued...
me: "hey, mom! we are going on a frosty run, want to come?"
mom (who, normally, drops the phone and runs outside to wait for us, when we invite her out for ice cream - with her granddaughter): "umm..well..i am..i am eating."
me (noting that it is 8p, two hours past the time she allows herself to eat): "okay. well..are you almost done?"
mom, quietly: "yes."
me: "oookay. then, i shall see you in 3 min."
mom: "okay."
the conversation was odd enough that i was filling warren in, as he backed out of our garage. we decided - it is my mother. it could have been MUCH more weird - and continued to talk about his day at work.
when we pulled into my parents' driveway, mom was outside - of all things - sweeping..in her pajamas..barefoot. again, this sort of peculiar behavior is the norm, lately, so i think nothing of it, as she puts the broom down and hops in the truck. we have a, relatively, normal conversation on the way to wendy's, until we pass dairy queen. (if i could do it all over, again - we would have stopped at dairy queen, and not continued the one half mile to wendy's.)
mom: "guys..i have a serious problem. i am embarrassed to say - i have an addiction!"
me, eyeing warren from the passenger seat (as if to say, 'strap in!'): "uh huh, and.."
mom: "seriously! i have an addiction! i am talking BAGS a day!!"
me, relieved (believing - if it is in a bag, it must be chips, cookies, or the like): "bags of what?"
mom: "YOGURT MELTS!"
i look at warren. he back at me. we start cracking up!! for those of you who are unfamiliar, see below.
yogurt melts are a BABY snack food made by gerber. they are small, chocolate chip looking pieces of freeze-dried fruits and/or veggies. they get their name, as they (literally) melt, on your tongue. again, they are manufactured for babies - human beings, who have no teeth (or in this case - an elderly person, who is on the verge of losing hers). anyway...
me: "are you serious? like, riley's yogurt melts?!"
mom: "YES! i just told your dad the other day. i cannot stop! the worst part - it is an EXPENSIVE addiction! i bought 10 bags, today! they cost $30!!"
me: "YOU BOUGHT **10** BAGS OF YOGURT MELTS..FOR..YOURSELF?!?!"
mom: "YES!! i eat 3 bags a DAY!! they are sooo good! they are like flavored chalk!"
me: "OH.MY.GOSH! nasty, mom! nasty!"
mom: "i love them so much, that i hide them from riley!"
me, laughing hysterically (but growing very concerned): "what?! you HIDE them from her?!"
mom: "yes! i wait until she naps, so i do not have to share. your dad thinks i am crazy!"
me (thinking, 'NO SHIT!'): "wait, wait, wait! the other day, when you said you had no more gerber toddler dinners to feed mac, was that because you are eating her dinners, TOO?!"
warren, bursts out laughing: "SHE PROBABLY IS!"
mom, laughing: "NO! i am only addicted to the melts."
me: "how bad are we talking?"
mom: "well, i have been on them, for about two and a half weeks."
me (did she really just say 'on them?' good grief!): "WAIT! you have been eating 3 bags of melts..a day..FOR TWO AND A HALF WEEKS?!"
mom, looking down at her feet: "yes."
me, calculating: "two and a half weeeks. 3 bags a day. 3 dollars a bag. OH.MY.GOSH! ARE YOU SAYING YOU HAVE SPENT $150 ON THESE DAMN THINGS?!"
mom, ashamed: "yes! i did not realize how expensive they were, until today. normally, i buy them with other things, so it does not look weird. like, the other day, i bought diapers that i did not even need, because i HAD to have melts!!"
me, repeating over and over, enunciating different words: "OH my gosh! oh MY gosh! oh my GOSH!!"
mom: "I KNOW! i have a problem! they received a huge batch, today, at kroger! i got sooo excited! my favorite are the mixed berry, but i, also, purchased the peach and strawberry, so the cashier did not think it was weird that i was ONLY buying 10 bags of mixed berry yogurt melts!"
me: "TRUST ME! SHE THOUGHT IT WAS WEIRD!!"
mom, looking side to side, as if paranoid: "i do not want them to figure me out!!"
***cue cuckoo sound***
me, thought entering my head: "oooh, MOM! please, tell me you are NOT grocery store hopping?!"
mom: "NOT YET, but i am going to have to start!!"
me: "i cannot believe this! YOGURT MELTS?! i am going to have to start bringing your photo to all the grocery stores, around town, begging them NOT to sell you melts! this is ridiculous!"
warren, thoroughly amused: "she will only start going to corbin, honey!"
mom, laughing (the only one, i might add): "the worst part - me, thinking, 'there is another *WORST* part?? how does it getting any worse?!' - the first few days i ate them, my tongue was so sore. to really enjoy them, you have to suck them. my tongue, truly, hurt!"
me, realizing the gravity of the situation: "please, STOP! i do not want to hear anything coming out of your mouth that relates to 'sucking' or a 'sore tongue.' this is soooo bad!"
mom: "I KNOW!!"
me: "OH.MY.GOSH!! IS THAT WHAT YOU WERE EATING, WHEN I CALLED?!"
mom: "YES!! i had to hurry and shove them in my mouth, before you arrived!!"
me: "WOOOOW! well..i have no choice, mother. i am going to have to out you on facebook!"
mom: "NOOOO!"
me: "YES! there needs to be some sort of intervention! consider my post a call to arms. YOU NEED HELP!!"
*in other - unrelated news - i am in the market, for a new mother. anyone have any suggestions??
**oh..fabulous..warren just brought this to me and said, "tell your mother the back says, 'limit one coupon per specified item(s) purchased.' so, she really IS going to have to start grocery store hopping."
me: "hey, mom! we are going on a frosty run, want to come?"
mom (who, normally, drops the phone and runs outside to wait for us, when we invite her out for ice cream - with her granddaughter): "umm..well..i am..i am eating."
me (noting that it is 8p, two hours past the time she allows herself to eat): "okay. well..are you almost done?"
mom, quietly: "yes."
me: "oookay. then, i shall see you in 3 min."
mom: "okay."
the conversation was odd enough that i was filling warren in, as he backed out of our garage. we decided - it is my mother. it could have been MUCH more weird - and continued to talk about his day at work.
when we pulled into my parents' driveway, mom was outside - of all things - sweeping..in her pajamas..barefoot. again, this sort of peculiar behavior is the norm, lately, so i think nothing of it, as she puts the broom down and hops in the truck. we have a, relatively, normal conversation on the way to wendy's, until we pass dairy queen. (if i could do it all over, again - we would have stopped at dairy queen, and not continued the one half mile to wendy's.)
mom: "guys..i have a serious problem. i am embarrassed to say - i have an addiction!"
me, eyeing warren from the passenger seat (as if to say, 'strap in!'): "uh huh, and.."
mom: "seriously! i have an addiction! i am talking BAGS a day!!"
me, relieved (believing - if it is in a bag, it must be chips, cookies, or the like): "bags of what?"
mom: "YOGURT MELTS!"
i look at warren. he back at me. we start cracking up!! for those of you who are unfamiliar, see below.
yogurt melts are a BABY snack food made by gerber. they are small, chocolate chip looking pieces of freeze-dried fruits and/or veggies. they get their name, as they (literally) melt, on your tongue. again, they are manufactured for babies - human beings, who have no teeth (or in this case - an elderly person, who is on the verge of losing hers). anyway...
me: "are you serious? like, riley's yogurt melts?!"
mom: "YES! i just told your dad the other day. i cannot stop! the worst part - it is an EXPENSIVE addiction! i bought 10 bags, today! they cost $30!!"
me: "YOU BOUGHT **10** BAGS OF YOGURT MELTS..FOR..YOURSELF?!?!"
mom: "YES!! i eat 3 bags a DAY!! they are sooo good! they are like flavored chalk!"
me: "OH.MY.GOSH! nasty, mom! nasty!"
mom: "i love them so much, that i hide them from riley!"
me, laughing hysterically (but growing very concerned): "what?! you HIDE them from her?!"
mom: "yes! i wait until she naps, so i do not have to share. your dad thinks i am crazy!"
me (thinking, 'NO SHIT!'): "wait, wait, wait! the other day, when you said you had no more gerber toddler dinners to feed mac, was that because you are eating her dinners, TOO?!"
warren, bursts out laughing: "SHE PROBABLY IS!"
mom, laughing: "NO! i am only addicted to the melts."
me: "how bad are we talking?"
mom: "well, i have been on them, for about two and a half weeks."
me (did she really just say 'on them?' good grief!): "WAIT! you have been eating 3 bags of melts..a day..FOR TWO AND A HALF WEEKS?!"
mom, looking down at her feet: "yes."
me, calculating: "two and a half weeeks. 3 bags a day. 3 dollars a bag. OH.MY.GOSH! ARE YOU SAYING YOU HAVE SPENT $150 ON THESE DAMN THINGS?!"
mom, ashamed: "yes! i did not realize how expensive they were, until today. normally, i buy them with other things, so it does not look weird. like, the other day, i bought diapers that i did not even need, because i HAD to have melts!!"
me, repeating over and over, enunciating different words: "OH my gosh! oh MY gosh! oh my GOSH!!"
mom: "I KNOW! i have a problem! they received a huge batch, today, at kroger! i got sooo excited! my favorite are the mixed berry, but i, also, purchased the peach and strawberry, so the cashier did not think it was weird that i was ONLY buying 10 bags of mixed berry yogurt melts!"
me: "TRUST ME! SHE THOUGHT IT WAS WEIRD!!"
mom, looking side to side, as if paranoid: "i do not want them to figure me out!!"
***cue cuckoo sound***
me, thought entering my head: "oooh, MOM! please, tell me you are NOT grocery store hopping?!"
mom: "NOT YET, but i am going to have to start!!"
me: "i cannot believe this! YOGURT MELTS?! i am going to have to start bringing your photo to all the grocery stores, around town, begging them NOT to sell you melts! this is ridiculous!"
warren, thoroughly amused: "she will only start going to corbin, honey!"
mom, laughing (the only one, i might add): "the worst part - me, thinking, 'there is another *WORST* part?? how does it getting any worse?!' - the first few days i ate them, my tongue was so sore. to really enjoy them, you have to suck them. my tongue, truly, hurt!"
me, realizing the gravity of the situation: "please, STOP! i do not want to hear anything coming out of your mouth that relates to 'sucking' or a 'sore tongue.' this is soooo bad!"
mom: "I KNOW!!"
me: "OH.MY.GOSH!! IS THAT WHAT YOU WERE EATING, WHEN I CALLED?!"
mom: "YES!! i had to hurry and shove them in my mouth, before you arrived!!"
me: "WOOOOW! well..i have no choice, mother. i am going to have to out you on facebook!"
mom: "NOOOO!"
me: "YES! there needs to be some sort of intervention! consider my post a call to arms. YOU NEED HELP!!"
*in other - unrelated news - i am in the market, for a new mother. anyone have any suggestions??
**oh..fabulous..warren just brought this to me and said, "tell your mother the back says, 'limit one coupon per specified item(s) purchased.' so, she really IS going to have to start grocery store hopping."
Friday, August 19, 2011
thank God i am female
starting a blog is tough stuff. okay..starting a blog is tough stuff, if you are an anal-retentive perfectionist (with OCD) and feel the need to compulsively research the best blog platforms, read the "dos and don'ts" of blogging, design a page that accurately defines you, and create test blogs..BEFORE even going "live." i have just begun and am already exhausted! i, honestly, have no idea why i thought i could just quickly choose a platform and start typing away. anyone who has ever met me knows i am a control freak! i cannot even allow my husband to choose the toilet paper we use. then again, tp choice IS critical! there is the brand, ply number, roll size, plushiness, etc to consider. roll size, alone, is enough to make one's head spin (no pun intended)! the key is to optimize how many tp squares per roll, while keeping the roll small enough to, actually, spin on the holder. seriously, is there anything worse than a roll that is TOO big?! ("THE MEGA ROLL..FOUR ROLLS IN ONE!! CONVENIENCE AT ITS BEST!" *LIARS!*) there is NOTHING convenient about having just taken a shit and attempting to unroll a tp roll, on a holder, that is so big it cannot spin properly! at first, being lazy, you think you can unroll it..slooowly..as if to trick the roll. (HAHAHA..*evil laugh*..if i unroll, slowly, the tp will never know what hit him!) you do this two or three times, accumulating a total of two and a half tp squares (now, one and a half ply, as the sheets always seem to separate), before you get pissed and realize you have no choice but to..God forbid..REMOVE THE ROLL! unfortunately, though, once the big ass roll is installed, on the holder, it is there for life! it is as if, somehow, the roll and the holder mated and are, now, inseparable. try as you might, you cannot dislodge the roll from the holder! you end up, nearly, ripping the holder out of the wall, further frustrating you. then, when you finally do get the holder to release, it does so at some insane jet action speed, which shoots the holder stick thingy sailing across the rooom! the roll flies up into the air, where you try to juggle it (with throbbing fingers, no less, as the stick thingy managed to smash your fingers on its way out), while almost falling off the toilet. no matter how hard you try, you never can catch the roll. it drops and, NATURALLY, starts to unroll...across the floor...and NEVER toward you..but AWAY! so, now, you are seated on the toilet, pants around your ankles, trying to figure out how in the hell you are going to get the unspooled tp roll that lays 100 ft away. (okay..maybe not 100..more like 5..but let us be honest, when you need tp, the difference btwn 5 and 100 ft is minimal. if you cannot reach it..it.is.a.big.deal..no matter how near or far!) if you are like me, you first try ladylike tactics..i.e., attempt to use a magazine/hand towel/shoe as some sort of lasso. the problem, eventually, becomes that both the tp and "lasso" end up out of reach. if you know someone else is within shouting distance, you may even ask for their help. however, the story..usually..ends the same - you have to make the humiliating penguin-like waddle, across the bathroom, to retrieve said tp. (i would like to clarify that this circumstance is strictly female-based. if a male could not have unrolled the GINORMOUS roll glued to the holder, he simply would have pulled up his pants and moved on. thank God i am female!)
*it should be noted that when we bought our house, i immediately had all the wall tp holders removed, the walls patched/painted, and erected stand tp holders that allow for large rolls. this is not a joke.
*it should be noted that when we bought our house, i immediately had all the wall tp holders removed, the walls patched/painted, and erected stand tp holders that allow for large rolls. this is not a joke.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
take it up with God
my parents, often, wish i would censor myself, but that has never been my cup of tea. i was born to share my thoughts and feelings, with the world (or anyone who i can tackle to the ground and force to listen). growing up, my report cards always said the same thing.."randi is a joy to have in class. she is intelligent and personable (i am sure they, also, said something about being beautiful and wildly entertaining), but one more peep out of her, and i will have no choice but to muzzle her! she talks incessantly, and her classmates gravitate to her every word." (this ended up to be true - throughout all facets of my life - and i quickly realized i would, eventually, take over the world.) i would explain (over and over) to my parents, "the teacher is just jealous because the class would rather listen to me, than her constant droning about mitosis and photosynthesis. NO ONE cares about science, nor will they use it in their adulthood! (the joke was on me..i grew up and became a medicinal scientist.) she, obviously, has no idea how to teach! tomorrow, i plan to start a comedy club, in the back of the classroom, just because i can! honestly, i would be doing her a favor! it may motivate her to develop better ways to keep our attention!" my poor parents (and teachers), definitely, had their work cut out for them. i am a dangerous combination..intelligent AND stubborn! whether i am right or wrong..and i cannot recall that i have ever been wrong..i will a) argue with you, until you get too tired and give up or b) simply start shouting shit about mitosis, and how it is changing the world one cell (or two) at a time!! (this tactic confuses the enemy.)
now is a good time to note, if you do not know me..and how could you not - "i'm not internationally known, but i'm known to rock the microphone" (constantly bursting out in song..deal with it)..humor is my outlet. i like to joke. i like to laugh. furthermore, i can be egotistical and LOVE me..as you will. you can try to fight it, but all cross over to the dark side, sooner than later. (plus, i have cookies.) i make no apologies for who i am, or what i say here (or anywhere). after all, i am not forcing you to read any of this. this blog is here for me..and those who are brave enough to step inside the rabbit hole of my mind. (warning: good luck finding your way out, as i have been trapped here for years.)
i am here to have fun. my blog is destined to be an eclectic assortment of postings, ranging from the utter insane to the topics that matter to me. you do not have to agree and are always welcome to comment expressing such, but, please, do so with tact. (i would hate to have to kill you.) i have always walked my own path. if you try to block me, i accept it as a challenge and will run you over. (527 points for the blind, elderly lady, in the wheelchair, who chose a bad time to go grocery shopping!!) in the end, my life is complete, with or without your condonement. i know who i am. would you like to? my close friends joke that i have plenty of issues, but low self-esteem is NOT one of them. my response.."oh, come on! as if YOU do not think highly of me, too! some people are simply born outstanding! they break the mold! do not hate on me! take it up with God!"
*special thanks to rob base & dj e-z rock
now is a good time to note, if you do not know me..and how could you not - "i'm not internationally known, but i'm known to rock the microphone" (constantly bursting out in song..deal with it)..humor is my outlet. i like to joke. i like to laugh. furthermore, i can be egotistical and LOVE me..as you will. you can try to fight it, but all cross over to the dark side, sooner than later. (plus, i have cookies.) i make no apologies for who i am, or what i say here (or anywhere). after all, i am not forcing you to read any of this. this blog is here for me..and those who are brave enough to step inside the rabbit hole of my mind. (warning: good luck finding your way out, as i have been trapped here for years.)
i am here to have fun. my blog is destined to be an eclectic assortment of postings, ranging from the utter insane to the topics that matter to me. you do not have to agree and are always welcome to comment expressing such, but, please, do so with tact. (i would hate to have to kill you.) i have always walked my own path. if you try to block me, i accept it as a challenge and will run you over. (527 points for the blind, elderly lady, in the wheelchair, who chose a bad time to go grocery shopping!!) in the end, my life is complete, with or without your condonement. i know who i am. would you like to? my close friends joke that i have plenty of issues, but low self-esteem is NOT one of them. my response.."oh, come on! as if YOU do not think highly of me, too! some people are simply born outstanding! they break the mold! do not hate on me! take it up with God!"
*special thanks to rob base & dj e-z rock
Monday, August 15, 2011
pilot
well, tis official..I AM A BLOGGER!! (there is a sentence i never thought i would say.) outside of time restraints, offending people, pissing off my mother, and leaving riley mac to her own devices so mommy can type..the only true issues i see are the fact that a) i am a procrastinator, and b) i rarely finish anything i sta
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