addiction

i am not sure, where to begin this story. i am, both, amused and disturbed..all at the same time. two hours ago, warren and i decided to take mac on a frosty run. knowing how much my mother loves sharing a frosty with riley, i called her up to tell her that we were on our way to get her. this is what ensued...

me: "hey, mom! we are going on a frosty run, want to come?"

mom (who, normally, drops the phone and runs outside to wait for us, when we invite her out for ice cream - with her granddaughter): "umm..well..i am..i am eating."

me (noting that it is 8p, two hours past the time she allows herself to eat): "okay. well..are you almost done?"

mom, quietly: "yes."

me: "oookay. then, i shall see you in 3 min."

mom: "okay."

the conversation was odd enough that i was filling warren in, as he backed out of our garage. we decided - it is my mother. it could have been MUCH more weird - and continued to talk about his day at work.

when we pulled into my parents' driveway, mom was outside - of all things - sweeping..in her pajamas..barefoot. again, this sort of peculiar behavior is the norm, lately, so i think nothing of it, as she puts the broom down and hops in the truck. we have a, relatively, normal conversation on the way to wendy's, until we pass dairy queen. (if i could do it all over, again - we would have stopped at dairy queen, and not continued the one half mile to wendy's.)

mom: "guys..i have a serious problem. i am embarrassed to say - i have an addiction!"

me, eyeing warren from the passenger seat (as if to say, 'strap in!'): "uh huh, and.."

mom: "seriously! i have an addiction! i am talking BAGS a day!!"

me, relieved (believing - if it is in a bag, it must be chips, cookies, or the like): "bags of what?"

mom: "YOGURT MELTS!"

i look at warren. he back at me. we start cracking up!! for those of you who are unfamiliar, see below.

yogurt melts are a BABY snack food made by gerber. they are small, chocolate chip looking pieces of freeze-dried fruits and/or veggies. they get their name, as they (literally) melt, on your tongue. again, they are manufactured for babies - human beings, who have no teeth (or in this case - an elderly person, who is on the verge of losing hers). anyway...

me: "are you serious? like, riley's yogurt melts?!"

mom: "YES! i just told your dad the other day. i cannot stop! the worst part - it is an EXPENSIVE addiction! i bought 10 bags, today! they cost $30!!"

me: "YOU BOUGHT **10** BAGS OF YOGURT MELTS..FOR..YOURSELF?!?!"

mom: "YES!! i eat 3 bags a DAY!! they are sooo good! they are like flavored chalk!"

me: "OH.MY.GOSH! nasty, mom! nasty!"

mom: "i love them so much, that i hide them from riley!"

me, laughing hysterically (but growing very concerned): "what?! you HIDE them from her?!"

mom: "yes! i wait until she naps, so i do not have to share. your dad thinks i am crazy!"

me (thinking, 'NO SHIT!'): "wait, wait, wait! the other day, when you said you had no more gerber toddler dinners to feed mac, was that because you are eating her dinners, TOO?!"

warren, bursts out laughing: "SHE PROBABLY IS!"

mom, laughing: "NO! i am only addicted to the melts."

me: "how bad are we talking?"

mom: "well, i have been on them, for about two and a half weeks."

me (did she really just say 'on them?' good grief!): "WAIT! you have been eating 3 bags of melts..a day..FOR TWO AND A HALF WEEKS?!"

mom, looking down at her feet: "yes."

me, calculating: "two and a half weeeks. 3 bags a day. 3 dollars a bag. OH.MY.GOSH! ARE YOU SAYING YOU HAVE SPENT $150 ON THESE DAMN THINGS?!"

mom, ashamed: "yes! i did not realize how expensive they were, until today. normally, i buy them with other things, so it does not look weird. like, the other day, i bought diapers that i did not even need, because i HAD to have melts!!"

me, repeating over and over, enunciating different words: "OH my gosh! oh MY gosh! oh my GOSH!!"

mom: "I KNOW! i have a problem! they received a huge batch, today, at kroger! i got sooo excited! my favorite are the mixed berry, but i, also, purchased the peach and strawberry, so the cashier did not think it was weird that i was ONLY buying 10 bags of mixed berry yogurt melts!"

me: "TRUST ME! SHE THOUGHT IT WAS WEIRD!!"

mom, looking side to side, as if paranoid: "i do not want them to figure me out!!"

***cue cuckoo sound***

me, thought entering my head: "oooh, MOM! please, tell me you are NOT grocery store hopping?!"

mom: "NOT YET, but i am going to have to start!!"

me: "i cannot believe this! YOGURT MELTS?! i am going to have to start bringing your photo to all the grocery stores, around town, begging them NOT to sell you melts! this is ridiculous!"

warren, thoroughly amused: "she will only start going to corbin, honey!"

mom, laughing (the only one, i might add): "the worst part - me, thinking, 'there is another *WORST* part?? how does it getting any worse?!' - the first few days i ate them, my tongue was so sore. to really enjoy them, you have to suck them. my tongue, truly, hurt!"

me, realizing the gravity of the situation: "please, STOP! i do not want to hear anything coming out of your mouth that relates to 'sucking' or a 'sore tongue.' this is soooo bad!"

mom: "I KNOW!!"

me: "OH.MY.GOSH!! IS THAT WHAT YOU WERE EATING, WHEN I CALLED?!"

mom: "YES!! i had to hurry and shove them in my mouth, before you arrived!!"

me: "WOOOOW! well..i have no choice, mother. i am going to have to out you on facebook!"

mom: "NOOOO!"

me: "YES! there needs to be some sort of intervention! consider my post a call to arms. YOU NEED HELP!!"


*in other - unrelated news - i am in the market, for a new mother. anyone have any suggestions??

**oh..fabulous..warren just brought this to me and said, "tell your mother the back says, 'limit one coupon per specified item(s) purchased.' so, she really IS going to have to start grocery store hopping."