i begin to search for the shotgun

the only women who will understand this are those who share a bed, with a man who snores (or a grizzly bear).

warren snores. no surprise there. he is a big guy, who falls asleep the moment his head hits the pillow and remains near comatose, until his alarm goes off - for a SECOND time! (the issue of hearing his alarm go off TWICE deserves a blog posting all on its own!) if i am being honest, although the snoring is insane, it is really just the addition of salt to an already seeping wound that sends me over the edge. i have insomnia. sleep has NEVER been easy for me, and it, sadly, continues to get worse. it does not matter if i go to bed at 10p or 2a, the result is always the same - me lying on my back, staring up into the abyss, trying to determine where the black void ends and the ceiling begins. this is frustrating - all by itself. however, coupling this situation with my husband's snoring - TORTURE!!

a typical evening for me: exhausted. decide to attempt sleep. crawl into bed. turn on fan. turn off lights. snuggle up under covers. close eyes. FOUR SECONDS LATER - roll over, believing a position change is going to solve all my problems. two minutes later - roll BACK over. grab cell phone. (perhaps, a little facebook/email check will put me out.) an hour to an hour and a half later - "SHIT!! when did it become TOMORROW?!! it is 12:30a, and i have to get up early!!" (why is it *always* the case that when you have a horrible night's sleep, you never have a free day the next morning?! NEVER!) immediately put phone down, swearing not to touch it til the alarm goes off, pissed that warren is right. (i seriously have an addiction to facebook and texting.) stare at ceiling for another 30 min. chest begins to tighten, as the realization that i now have "X" amount of hours left before my alarm goes off is weighing heavy on my mind. heart starts to race. anxiety kicking in. great..now i have to pee. get up. use facilities. wash hands. cannot find hand towel. shake hands, vigorously. am, again, reminded that i am supposed to invent glow-in-the dark towels. crawl back into bed. it is now 1:15a!! where is warren? (he fell asleep on the couch hours ago, as he nods off the moment the tv is turned on. bastard!) 1:30a. on the verge of, possibly, nodding off. warren enters bedroom - "silently." (by the time he walks the 30 ft from the door to his side of the bed, he has slammed the bedroom door, stepped on a dog - who yelps, stubbed his toe on the leather bench at the foot of our bed, and taken approximately an hour to dock his damn cell phone in its "convenient" docking station. i pretend to be asleep, as yelling at him will only further awaken me.) warren, FINALLY, crawls into bed - "stealthily." (i am convinced he hides a small trampoline under the bed, pulls it out, and catapults himself into the bed. during this process, he somehow becomes entangled in the sheets, as i hear and feel him fighting his way out. again, i remain calm and still, as not worth it.) TWO EFFIN' SECONDS LATER - SNOOOOOORING! at this point, i am sleep-deprived and soo incredibly pissed off! (this asshole JUST lied down!! HOW IN THE HELL IS HE ASLEEP *AND* SNORING, ALREADY?! DID HE TAKE A HORSE TRANQ BEFORE COMING IN HERE?! MORE IMPORTANTLY, WHY DID HE NOT HORSE TRANQ ME?! WHAT HAPPENED TO THE "TWO SOULS JOINED AS ONE" BULLSHIT WE RECITED AT OUR WEDDING?! WHAT A JERK!!) after a minute or two, i am calm, convincing myself that he cannot help that he has no problem falling asleep. i am merely jealous, and there is no need to loathe him. i lie there for a few more minutes, hoping the snoring will cease. (why i go through this SAME, DAMN ROUTINE every evening, i will never know. i am already perfectly aware that no matter how long i lie there, the snoring WILL continue, until he rolls over. alas, i always attempt to wait it out.) i continue to lie there long enough that i have already debated whether or not i could murder him, hide the body, and get away with it. once i snap back to reality (not so much reality, as coming to the conclusion that some nosey neighbor - gina noble - would see me dragging his lifeless body into my backyard and tell the walkers - married state trooper neighbors), i start to take action. at first, i try my very best to be polite.

*baby cough.* wait with bated breath.

SNORE!

*cough. COUGH.*

SNORE!

i, then, employ the noise AND movement tactic. *cough. roll over.*

SNORE!

*COUGH. roll over, while kicking legs, so sheets rustle.*

SNORE!!

NOW, one of the dogs is snoring, too!! UN-EFFIN'-BELIEVABLE! AM I THE ONLY ONE, WHO CANNOT SLEEP, IN THIS HOUSE?! I NEED TO STEP UP MY GAME! *COUGH. COUGH. CATAPULT SELF IN AIR, ROLL OVER, AND LAND ON OTHER SIDE!!*

SNOOOOORE!!

*THRASHING ABOUT VIOLENTLY. PLOTTING MURDER. SEIZING. HACKING UP A LUNG.* dogs now whimpering. (I HATE THIS MAN!!!)

SNOO..gasp for air..silence!

i freeze and stop breathing, afraid to make a move. completely thrilled, as warren has stopped snoring, and i did not even have to smother him with a pillow. i realize, after freaking out in the bed beside him, i am absolutely exhausted. perhaps, i can fall asleep, now. *roll over.* pillow super inviting. just beginning to drift off to sleep. sheep frolicking in a peaceful meadow. i am not in prison for murder. my life is wonderful. i love the man lying besi...

SNOOOOOOOOOOOORE!

*i begin to search for the shotgun.*


*oh..yeah..happy birthday, warren. i want a divorce.