thank God i am female

starting a blog is tough stuff. okay..starting a blog is tough stuff, if you are an anal-retentive perfectionist (with OCD) and feel the need to compulsively research the best blog platforms, read the "dos and don'ts" of blogging, design a page that accurately defines you, and create test blogs..BEFORE even going "live." i have just begun and am already exhausted! i, honestly, have no idea why i thought i could just quickly choose a platform and start typing away. anyone who has ever met me knows i am a control freak! i cannot even allow my husband to choose the toilet paper we use. then again, tp choice IS critical! there is the brand, ply number, roll size, plushiness, etc to consider. roll size, alone, is enough to make one's head spin (no pun intended)! the key is to optimize how many tp squares per roll, while keeping the roll small enough to, actually, spin on the holder. seriously, is there anything worse than a roll that is TOO big?! ("THE MEGA ROLL..FOUR ROLLS IN ONE!! CONVENIENCE AT ITS BEST!" *LIARS!*) there is NOTHING convenient about having just taken a shit and attempting to unroll a tp roll, on a holder, that is so big it cannot spin properly! at first, being lazy, you think you can unroll it..slooowly..as if to trick the roll. (HAHAHA..*evil laugh*..if i unroll, slowly, the tp will never know what hit him!) you do this two or three times, accumulating a total of two and a half tp squares (now, one and a half ply, as the sheets always seem to separate), before you get pissed and realize you have no choice but to..God forbid..REMOVE THE ROLL! unfortunately, though, once the big ass roll is installed, on the holder, it is there for life! it is as if, somehow, the roll and the holder mated and are, now, inseparable. try as you might, you cannot dislodge the roll from the holder! you end up, nearly, ripping the holder out of the wall, further frustrating you. then, when you finally do get the holder to release, it does so at some insane jet action speed, which shoots the holder stick thingy sailing across the rooom! the roll flies up into the air, where you try to juggle it (with throbbing fingers, no less, as the stick thingy managed to smash your fingers on its way out), while almost falling off the toilet. no matter how hard you try, you never can catch the roll. it drops and, NATURALLY, starts to unroll...across the floor...and NEVER toward you..but AWAY! so, now, you are seated on the toilet, pants around your ankles, trying to figure out how in the hell you are going to get the unspooled tp roll that lays 100 ft away. (okay..maybe not 100..more like 5..but let us be honest, when you need tp, the difference btwn 5 and 100 ft is minimal. if you cannot reach it..it.is.a.big.deal..no matter how near or far!) if you are like me, you first try ladylike tactics..i.e., attempt to use a magazine/hand towel/shoe as some sort of lasso. the problem, eventually, becomes that both the tp and "lasso" end up out of reach. if you know someone else is within shouting distance, you may even ask for their help. however, the story..usually..ends the same - you have to make the humiliating penguin-like waddle, across the bathroom, to retrieve said tp. (i would like to clarify that this circumstance is strictly female-based. if a male could not have unrolled the GINORMOUS roll glued to the holder, he simply would have pulled up his pants and moved on. thank God i am female!)


*it should be noted that when we bought our house, i immediately had all the wall tp holders removed, the walls patched/painted, and erected stand tp holders that allow for large rolls. this is not a joke.