i do not like green peas or ham

i knew, when i was 9 years old, that i was a vegetarian. honestly, i knew even earlier, but did not realize there were others like me - that it was an accepted lifestyle. i just remember sitting at my grandmother's kitchen table (night after night after night), begging to be excused, without finishing my meal. it would take me FOREVER to chew and swallow a pork chop. i would poke my salmon patty, with a fork, praying it would turn into anything else. i would outright refuse to get a piece of meatloaf, anywhere near my mouth!! (no wonder i hate meat! who serves these types of protein, anyway?! alas, we were poor, so no steaks to be had.) eventually, it became a standard routine, and i did not even attempt to argue, anymore. i would just sit there, after eating all my veggies, until someone released me from the bondage known as "dinnertime." for the longest time, i even hated pizza. why? name one children's birthday party you attended that served ANYTHING outside of pepperoni pizza (or hotdogs). it was not until i became an older child that i found out "they" could make CHEESE pizza. (what a novel idea!)

i do not know if my mother knew that i was heading down the path of vegetarianism. if she did, she certainly never voiced it. in my family, one must eat something dead - DAILY! (i presume they shrivel up and die or something, if not.) there was never an option NOT to eat meat. it was not a choice. it was not up for discussion. it was, "here is a cornish hen. that is right - we love dead things so much, we did not even try to hide the fact that it was once alive! we simply removed the feathers, left it looking all bird-like, and put it on your plate! EAT IT!!" actually, if i am being truthful, "i blame it on the muslims!" (okay, i have no idea why a certain family member pins everything on the muslims, but she is COMPLETELY convinced that they are "going to take over!" she has - no joke - learned how to say, "i worship God," in arabic (or maybe hebrew - i cannot remember), so that when the time comes that will be the last thing she says - "before they shoot her in the head.")

seriously, though, my vegetarian lifestyle may - actually - be the muslims' fault. our neighbors, in st. croix, were muslims. my bedroom window faced their backyard, and they used to perform various religious ceremonies, which included animal sacrifice. no lie - i (VIVIDLY) remember, at the age of 4, seeing goats and pigs hanging upside down on their clothesline, gutted, with blood dripping down onto the grass. now that i think about it - YES - i blame it on the muslims!!

anyway, outside of hearing animals squeal their last squeal or bleat their last bleat, while playing in my childhood bedroom, i can think of no other traumatic events that may have influenced my decision. although my mother (or anyone else in my family) cannot understand it, i just do not like meat. it has never really been my thing. when i was 9 years old, i was fortunate enough to meet my first vegetarian. i still remember sitting, at her dinner table, processing what she was saying - "wait! you do NOT eat meat - and are still ALIVE?! HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?! are there others out there? you call yourselves 'vegetarians?' is it a club? how do i join? do i have to kill a chicken, with my bare hands, or something??" i was stunned and VERY excited!! A VEGETARIAN!! THAT WAS WHAT I WAS - i just had no idea there was a name for it! i remember being elated and could not wait to get home and tell my mother. now, she would understand, as i totally knew the appropriate lingo! i would tell her, "mom, i am a vegetarian. i am no longer going to eat meat!" i recall the day i told her, and i bet she does, too - she, nearly, stroked out! looking back, i am not sure what i was expecting. she is a carnivore, and carnivores do not understand. (it would be like a puppy telling his doggy daddy that he has zero desire to fetch sticks. he would rather use those sticks to build his best friend - the cat - a house. it goes against the canine code.)

so, you may wonder, how did my mother handle it? i shall tell you - she spent the next 10 years "pretending" that i was not a vegetarian, and continued to serve me dishes that once mooed or clucked. i think she thought that if she ignored the fact that i was a vegetarian, and cooked meat, i would (magically) NOT be one, anymore (that i would be healed from the disease that afflicted me) - or that i would choose to devour the animal, rather than starve. (turns out, i would be excellent in a standoff! starving is the new red, which is the new pink, which is the new..wait..what is the new "in" thing these days? am i still supposed to be practicing kabbalah, or am i a scientologist, now?! do i carry my chow chows in a big sack, over my back - as an accessory - or simply leave them at home? i can never keep up!!) it would get to the point, where my siblings would turn to her and say, "MOM! RANDI DOES *NOT* LIKE CHICKEN!!" her response would be something along the lines of, "oh, are you still doing the not eating meat thing?" (again, as if i was following the latest fad - or still possessed by demons.) it was not until i was 20 something years old and married, when "IT" happened. my mother was visiting b'ham and was browsing the shelves at barnes and noble, before i had finished my pharmacy school classes for the day. when we met up, at my apartment, she reached into her BN bag and pulled out a vegetarian cookbook. i cried. this was the first time, in over a decade, that my mother openly accepted/admitted that i was a vegetarian. it was a special day. i thought, "she finally gets it! this is who i am, and she realizes i am not changing! fantastic!" - then came the green peas and apple pie.

green peas and apple pie have become quite the inside joke, amongst my family. yes, i am a vegetarian. yes, i like "almost" all vegetables and fruits. HOWEVER, i do NOT like green peas or apple pie (really any fruit dessert)! NEVER HAVE!! despite this fact, my mother will make me a side of green peas and apple pie for dessert EVERY.SINGLE.HOLIDAY/FUNCTION/DINNER! when i do not eat them, she looks at me all dejected and asks, "did you not like the peas? are you not going to have any pie?!" now, after all these years, my siblings try to hide their laughter behind their napkin or shove a roll in their mouth, while i say, "no, mother! as i told you the LAST time (and the time before that), i do not like green peas or ham - or apple pie!" every scheduled dinner or event, either kim/sky/kala/or warren will say, "i am going into the kitchen to get dessert. would you like me to cut you a piece of the applie pie that mom baked JUUUST for you?!" we have had so many good laughs over it that i will be sad, if she ever stops making them. plus, i am afraid that once the green peas and apple pie join the way of the ham, she will start with the strawberries and lima beans. (no, thank you!)


*note - i mean NO disrespect, to the muslim nation. take this post, as it was intended - humorously.