*i wrote this blog on monday, but could not post until today, for it contains information that i was not ready to announce.
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!! as i type, blood is running from my knee and down my leg. furthermore, my mouth tastes of metal, and my lip is already swollen. (i will be visiting my dental neighbors this evening.) here is the story, as it unfolded.
first - I AM A FRANTIC MESS, TODAY!! i was without internet access, from yesterday afternoon until this morning. (i could barely breathe, yesterday!) i had an appointment scheduled for first thing this morning. unbeknownst to me, my friend canceled. she did so via facebook, so i found out too late - aka - after i woke up and was heading to meet her. (i have been trying my best not to hate her, as i was unable to sleep in and had to get out in the rain, as a result.) when i realized my morning was wide open, i tried to see the "positive" in the unexpected change of plans. (typically, i would lose my mind, as i HATE change - particularly spontaneous disruption.) i convinced myself that a starbucks run would cheer me up, and that i could - now - use the remainder of the morning to prepare to leave town. somehow, i convinced myself that this change was for the best and was - actually - a blessing in disguise. (seriously, the new me is amazing!)
i drove back home, starbucks in hand. when i arrived at my kitchen table, i was damn near cheery, while eating breakfast. when i finished, i started to pack. it ALL went downhill from there! i could not find half the things i needed! i was beginning to feel overwhelmed and unprepared - AND I AM ALWAYS PREPARED! i decided not to unravel. i did the best i could and then called warren to run a couple errands. in the end, it all worked out, and i was back to feeling fabulous. mac and i made a quick trip to the bank and was singing/dancing away, as we pulled into the garage. (if i had to do it all over again, i would have forgone the bank trip.)
i pulled into the garage and put my truck in park. i turned around to tell mac that i was coming to get her. she grinned, still dancing in her car seat. i opened my door and was in the process of lowering one foot onto the garage floor, when i saw it - A SPIDER DANGLING NOT EVEN AN INCH FROM MY EYE!! IT WAS AS IF MY WORST FEARS HAD COME TRUE! (every morning - when on my way out - i flip on the garage lights, before i open the door leading from the house into the garage, allowing the spiders time to scurry into the nearest dark corner. provided i do not see them, i am able to walk to my vehicle in a calm fashion. i, also, wait 3-5 seconds after opening the door juuuuust to make sure a spider is not on top of the door frame, waiting to leap down onto my head, instantly killing me. this is no joke, as warren can tell you. i am in constant fear of a spider attacking me from above. i guess because, if i were a spider, that is how i would go about it. humans are idiots. they never expect anything to come from above. I DO!!)
anway, as my foot is already half out of the vehicle - all my weight shifting downward - there is no stopping my exit. i have no choice but to go into defense mode. the spider is dangling on my left side, so i use all my energy to fall right. i do so, smashing my mouth against the edge of my door - instant pain and tears, as blood drips from my mouth. my mouth bounces off the door, and my body starts to fall backward - TOWARD THE SPIDER. seeing as my fear of spiders is greater than the pain intensifying in my mouth, i urge myself forward into a protective ball, thinking that i must protect my unborn child. (oh - yeah - now is a good time to let the cat out of the bag. I AM PREGNANT!! YAY!) my right knee slams against the door and then the garage floor, as i tuck and roll under my door and into the middle of warren's garage space. i, immediately, jump up and start scanning the air for the spider. i see him, still hanging there, and become blatantly aware that my door is wide open with mac inside! for a second time, maternal protective mode shifts into full gear. i slam the door closed and run - backward - never letting my eyes leave the spider.
once i am back a good ten feet, i start to feel it - my knee - OWWW! i can see the blood starting to seep through my scrub pants. before i have time to think about my state, i hear mac screaming in the truck. (she must see the spider, too, and is terrified!) i search, wildly, for anything to kill the spider. the first thing i see is a sledgehammer. (up until this moment, i did not even know we owned a sledgehammer. seriously - why? what does warren need with a sledgehammer?) i pick it up, noting that it is way beyond the weight limit for a pregnant woman to lift. (i do not care.) firmly grasped in both hands, i raise it up above my right shoulder - fury in my eyes. as i am about to swing the hammer forward, a moment of clarity sets in. i become fully cognizant of my surroundings. i see my reflection in my brand new vehicle, wielding a 30 lb sledgehammer, to kill a spider the size of a quarter. (okay, maybe he was only the size of a nickel. whatever. his eyes were still glowing red, so fairly certain it would have been justified.) i contemplate how pissed warren will be, when i smash my new truck's window. i determine he does not love me that much and put the hammer down. i turn to where the sledgehammer was laying and see a broom. (honestly, how did i not see the broom FIRST?! all i saw was the hammer. odd.) i grab the broom and - holding the last half inch of the handle - use the straw end to swipe across the web string and - SLOWLY - bring the spider to the floor. the moment he hits the ground, he starts to run. my survival instincts kick back in. i toss the broom and grab the sledgehammer, where i proceed to pound the living shit out of him!! when all is said and done, not a sound could be heard. even riley, who was screaming two seconds prior, was seated - QUIETLY - in her car seat. (i still believe her fear of the spider silenced her, not the brutal murder she witnessed.) i calmly set the sledgehammer back, got mac out of the vehicle, and walked into the house - with my head held high. i may have left my dignity out there in the garage, but guess what else i left - A DEAD SPIDER!
now, to clean up my knee and head to the dentist. *sigh*
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