i have had some facebook followers request that i post the "RODNEY RANT OF FEBRUARY 2010." for the true "fans of ran" out there - here you go! :)
warning: strap in! serious venting to follow!!
"I received a letter, today, in the mail from a friend. Although I have yet to check this fact, I presume my friend had the letter weighed because it had a 79 cent stamp in the corner. The reason for this was obvious, as the letter was actually a multiple page printed document on he and his fiancee’s wedding in Anguilla (travel/hotel info, etc). On the outside of the envelope, THE POST OFFICE STAFF THEMSELVES stamped the following: 'Postage due 43 cents. Exceeds 1/4 inch thickness.' My first thought, '1/4 inch?! ARE YOU EFFIN' SERIOUS?!' My second thought, 'I am surprised they delivered it, if there was not enough postage.' About that time, I noticed another envelope inside my mailbox - one of those small, orangey/brown ones. At the top it read, 'Carrier’s Statement. The following is a statement of the amount required for each of the items indicated and if there is any part that you do not understand please call it to my attention.' The mailman had then checked 'Postage Due Mail' and written '43 cents' out beside it. Signed, 'Rodney, London Post Office.' First of all - RODNEY - if the postage is short, that is NOT my damn problem! You people needed to 'RETURN TO SENDER!!' SECOND, 1/4 INCH TOO THICK?! WHO THE HELL DO YOU PEOPLE THINK YOU ARE!?! FIRST, YOU GET CHARGED IF THE ENVELOPE WEIGHS TOO MUCH. SECOND, THERE IS A CHARGE IF SAID MAIL IS NOT STANDARD SIZE AND IS INSTEAD SQUARE-SHAPED. NOW, THERE IS AN EFFIN' THICKNESS MEASUREMENT?! YOU ALL HAVE WAAAY TOO MUCH TIME ON YOUR HANDS! IF YOU WANT TO MAKE UP RIDICULOUS THINGS - FINE BY ME - BUT TAKE IT UP WITH YOUR CUSTOMER. I AM THE **RECIPIENT**, NOT THE SENDER! IT WILL BE A COLD DAY IN HELL BEFORE YOU GET 43 CENTS FROM ME, FOR A LETTER I DID NOT SEND! EVEN THEN, YOU WILL HAVE TO PRY IT FROM MY DEAD, COLD, VICE-LIKE GRIP! F YOU, POSTAL SERVICE! F YOU!!"
this facebook posting, naturally, spawned numerous comments. that evening, after calming down, i wrote rodney a message and posted the following on facebook.
"'DEAREST RODNEY, IF NOT ENOUGH POSTAGE, PLEASE RETURN TO SENDER. THANK YOU!' (To my critics - I am fully aware that I could have simply thrown his orangey/brown envelope away and that would have been the end. However, I wanted Rodney and the Post Office to a.) KNOW I reject their nonsense and b.) have to spend their own money to send it back!)" (yes, yes - their money is my money, your money, taxpayers' money. whatever! i was entirely too infuriated to think rationally.)
two things should be noted. the day this occurred (feb 10, 2010), i was six months pregnant. these type of hormone-induced rants became so frequent that i coined them "ones of hysterical blindness." secondly, many people asked if i ever opened the letter. my response - OF COURSE, I DID!! i ran the entire document through my copier, and then resealed the envelope! 1 - RAN; 0 - RODNEY hehehe *evil laugh* (sidebar - this type of behavior should be expected, whether i am pregnant or not.)
since this event, rodney and i have had many "battles." (hence, the above rant title includes the date.) for instance, there is - also - a "RODNEY RANT OF HALLOWEEN 2010." during that time, he DELIBERATELY placed my williams-sonoma magazine upside down, so that the halloween spiders were in full display, causing me to stumble backwards and fall into the road, gasping for breath!! (certain he knows my fear of spiders. jackass!)
the latest - see picture below.
OH YES!! that lazy piece of shit rodney rigged up some sort of contraption, using a huge rubberband and the flag of my mailbox - wish he would have broken it, so his ass would have gone to prison for committing a felony!! actually, maybe he DIIIIID break it. *wink, wink* - rather than walking the 20 feet or so to my front door.
all i know - 'TIS THE SEASON TO JACK YOU UP, RODNEY!! GAME ON!
My mother watches Riley Mac on Wednesdays, while I am at work. When Mom asked to watch her, a little over a year ago, we had some timing conflicts. For whatever reason, Mom thought I would not be at her house until 8:30a (difficult to do, if I am to open the store by that time). As a result, I would find myself showing up at her house between 8:00a and 8:15a, with NO ONE at the house, as Mom would be at the grocery store (or wherever someone her age goes before the sun comes up). It was frustrating, to say the least. Finally, we got on track, and I have been consistently dropping Mac around 8:00a.
As time went on, and Riley got older, Mom and Dad developed a fun tradition - breakfast with Mac at Cracker Barrel. Mom gets super excited and - according to Dad - wakes up early and paces, while waiting for Miss Mac to arrive. Mom has become so pumped about breakfast with her granddaughter that, now, if I am not at their house by the crack of dawn, with Mac dressed and ready to go, I catch some serious grief. So, this morning, I made a point to wake Riley 20 minutes early (she was less than thrilled), to ensure she was all cute and ready for the day. I brushed her teeth, dressed her in an adorable outfit, new sparkly shoes, fluffy jacket, warm toboggan - THE WORKS!!
Living less than two miles away from my parents (an issue all its own), I arrived at their house at 7:53a. I got Mac and her belongings out of the truck and led her inside. (I remember thinking it was odd that Mom did not open the garage and come rushing outside to greet us and, immediately, transport Mac to her vehicle.) When we walked inside the house, Mac a few feet ahead of me, I heard Mom let out some sort of excited exclamation to see Mac all precious and "ready to roll." I continued walking into the kitchen, to find Mac in Mom's arms, as Mom proceeded to tell her all about their plans for the day. I noticed the plan was different than usual and said, "Wait! Are you all not going to breakfast?!"
Mom: "No! We are decorating the Christmas Tree, today!"
Me: "Uh huh, uh huh, but - like - NOOO breakfast?!"
Mom, elated: "I will probably make pancakes here!!"
Me, still not believing/comprehending: "Okay, so, you are NOT going out to eat?!?!"
Mom: "Oh, yes! We will, definitely, go out later today!"
Me: "I wish you would have told me, as I woke Mac up early *JUST* so she would be ready to go eat breakfast."
Mom, smiling, clearly not understanding my frustration: "We are still going out."
Me: "Yes, but she could have slept longer, and you could have gotten her dressed, this afternoon. I brushed her teeth, for goodness sakes!"
Mom, grinning ear to ear, in a sing-song voice: "Today is Christmas Tree Day!!"
Realizing that continuing to attempt to make her understand my frustration was futile, I gave Mac a big hug and walked out the door.
As I got back into my truck and fastened my seatbelt, I felt my eye starting to twitch. I said a quick prayer, praying that this was a random, isolated event and that my day was not headed down THAT path. I pulled out of the driveway and headed to Starbucks, certain that would put a smile on my face.
Not even 20 seconds after turning onto 192, a truck pulled out in front of me, accelerating to 3 MPH, carrying a load of - well, EVERYTHING!! There were tons of garbage bags, small pieces of wooden furniture, brightly colored bows, small children, etc. Out of no where, shit starts falling out of the back. I have to swerve - TWICE - to avoid two huge bags, while nearly giving the elderly woman in the oncoming lane a stroke! After I gunned it past that asshole (in a silent rage), I managed to get behind ANOTHER slow ass vehicle! I started to pace my breathing, STILL convinced that the day was going to be all right.
Starbucks went off without a hitch, fortunately. I was just starting to smile and enjoy the drive, when I arrived at the 192/25 intersection. Is it just me, or does NO ONE ELSE REALIZE THAT THERE ARE *TWO* - COUNT THEM *O.N.E.*, *T.W.O.* - EFFIN' LANES TO TURN ONTO 25?! Remember?! They did all that construction, awhile back, to better field the school traffic?! I waited and watched, as FOUR separate cars in front of me REFUSED to turn onto 25, until BOTH lanes were free and clear. When I finally made it close enough to turn, I took my truck off road, drove the quarter of a mile to the school light, at approximately 50 MPH, zooming past everyone. Once I merged, I felt better, as I allowed myself to scream at the top of my lungs. I drove maybe 10 feet and then - STOP!! The entire line of traffic, unexpectedly, halts! At this point, I shout to no one in particular (as I am the only person in my vehicle), "There better be a 5 car pile-up, because if we are stopped for no reason, I am going to start shooting people!!" SURE ENOUGH, after advancing a few more feet, I see it - a police officer has someone pulled over, OFF THE ROAD, IN ABSOLUTELY NO ONE'S PATH! The line has stopped for the sheer pleasure of gawking. (I.HATE.GAWKERS!) What is, normally, a 5 minute drive down 25 to the store, became a half hour ordeal.
My eye is still twitching, my heart rate is elevated to an unsafe level, and I have completely given up on trying to control my breathing.
