Ran - 1; Spiders - negative 57

OOOOOOooookay! I just went all DEFCON 1 over here! Apparently, whilst being out of town, every spider in a 20 mile radius decided to move into our garage - most noticeably around my truck, as it has been sitting undisturbed the past couple weeks. I saw them last night - when I got home from work - but bolted for the door and quickly slammed it shut, locking it behind me, as if they know how to open the door. (Honestly, though, they probably do.) Unfortunately, my genuine fear of spiders prevents me from being able to get close enough to kill them, in a normal fashion - stepping on them, squashing them with a magazine, etc. I need to be at least 10-15 feet away - AT ALL TIMES! However, I am the only one home right now, and I could NOT get the groceries out of my vehicle a moment ago - the majority of which needed to be refrigerated. (I presume the garage door opening brought them out of hiding.)

I contemplated what to do, while standing on the top of my garage steps, watching the spiders multiple in the 100s (fine, maybe the 50s) - coming out from every nook and cranny around my truck. I saw a can of Raid on one of the garage shelves, but knew that was of no use, because there is no way I could get close enough to use it. A broom rarely kills them - just maims - and Warren has already hidden the sledgehammer, due to last year's incident (CLICK since when do we own a sledgehammer?). As I stood there, I started to perspire - panicking - as more and more spiders emerged. (Seriously, I could see NINE! Nine of the huge, fuzzy, brown spiders!!)

Finally, I SAW IT - a can of Hot Shot Raid, typically used for wasps/hornets. I did not care, as I knew it would do the trick, AND I would still be able to stand far enough back to maintain sanity. The issue - one of the larger spiders was directly between me and my weapon of choice. (I am certain he knew this.) I plotted out every single possible way of obtaining the Hot Shot, while avoiding the spider's death trap, but came to the conclusion that if I wanted the can, I was going to have to step OVER the spider. (Obviously, this is a horrifying option, as the spider could spring straight up and attack me at the exact moment I lift my leg to step over.) I tried to convince myself to turn around, head inside, and leave the spider issue for Warren to handle. However, as I stood there, a new fear entered my mind - what if, like snakes, the spiders found a way to crawl up into my truck!?!? This thought nearly sent me spiraling into madness! (What happens next, happens FAST!)

Without even preparing myself, I jumped straight off the top steps onto the garage floor, took one running step, and LEAPT across the spider. (I truly believe I cleared the nasty thing by a good 10 feet, and I am short.) In one motion, as I was descending back down to Earth, I grabbed the can of Hot Shot off the shelf and turned my body toward the spider. (For all I knew, he had realized what was happening, turned around, and was running toward me at full attack speed.) The moment I landed, I depressed my finger on the can, firing at my enemy. NO JOKE - rather than running away in fear, as I suspected - THE EFFIN' THING CAME RUNNING *AT* ME!! I was all - "THIS IS NOT HAPPENING! YOU ARE IMAGINING THIS, RAN! GET IT TOGETHER!" Negative! The spider came running full force, backing me into my truck. I sprayed that can, as if my life depended on it. Finally - after what felt like an eternity - he began to slow and arch his legs up, writhing in pain. Before I had time to revel in my bravery and spot on sharp shooting, something in my hand hissed. (Twas the type of hiss that I imagine a dying spider would make - or more realistically - the FRIEND of a dying spider.) I tried to look down at the can in my hand in order to process, but it hissed again, before I had the chance. Ergo, instead, I sent that can flying! My heart was lodged in my throat, trying to beat its way out. I could barely breathe and began to become dizzy - fully aware that I could NOT faint on a floor of spiders!

When the can landed, the hissing continued. I, then, realized it was the sound any pressurized container makes, upon release. Unfortunately, I realized this too late, as the can was 20 feet away, with at least 8 more spiders to kill (spiders which are sure to be incredibly ticked that I just killed their leader). I knew I HAD to get that can back, no matter what it meant, as my life hung in the balance. I ran so fast that when I reached down to grab the can, my body continued to propel forward, slamming me into the wall. Can in one hand, bruised forehead in the other - I turned to face my opposition.

Out of nowhere, I got this burst of energy (more like hysteria) and crouched down on one knee, turning from one direction to another, never letting my finger ease off the depressed can. Hot Shot liquid ejected EVERYWHERE! Once I felt I had secured my position, I jumped up, took another flying leap over dead bodies, and screamed as I landed outside the garage. I, immediately, spun around and started to spray the ENTIRE entrance to the garage. From there, I sprayed corners, baseboards, ceilings, my truck's tires, Warren's tools, innocent insects, small children, etc. (I do not believe there is one square inch of unsprayed surface in that garage.) Here and there, another spider would emerge. I would scream like a little girl and spray like mad. (To be honest, I am not sure if the actual poison killed them or they simply drowned in the amount of liquid I covered them in.)

When nothing but dead spiders - each laying in a pool of Hot Shot - surrounded me, I felt comfortable enough to lower my weapon. I walked out of the garage, allowed the situation to overcome me, and proceeded to shake and thrash my body uncontrollably, patting myself down, ruffling my hair, making sure one of the spiders had not jumped on me in the chaos. I would love to say that I was calm and collected; however, that was far from the case. I have no doubt that neighbors saw and/or heard me outside - losing my absolute mind. I was too far gone to care. (At any moment, I fully expect the director of the nearest mental ward to show up at my door, with two bouncer-sized men in white uniforms.) Either way - what I know for certain - any approaching spiders will think twice about trespassing, when they see the battleground of dead bodies, of which I have purposely left as a warning. (I so much as see another spider -- I WILL be digging out the blow torch.)


**UPDATE: Since posting this TEN minutes ago, another incident has occurred. I just opened the door off the deck, in order to let my dogs inside. When I looked down, one of those damned spiders was scurrying across my shoe. I literally freaked out to such an extent that one of my dogs started to whimper. I opened the nearest drawer, grabbed the phone book, and dropped it square on the spider. Then, I proceeded to jump up and down a good 39 times! The phonebook - and hopefully decimated spider - still remain on the floor. (Should prove to be a fun surprise for Warren, who also hates spiders.)

Hawk Creek: Church or Cult?

Okay! I have only told one couple about this - as they are not only friends/ex-neighbors, but are Hawk Creek members. However, after today, the madness must be shared.

I attended HC for the first time on August 5. I had been wanting to visit for awhile, but never found the right time. Finally, two and a half weeks ago, I visited with two of my friends (who shall remain anonymous). I went alone, with no other members of my family. I really just wanted to check it out, see what all the hype was about, and determine if it could be a potential church home. I did NOT fill out a card, leaving my name and information. It is not my style, and I honestly had no desire for anyone to contact me regarding my experience. I just wanted to visit and go from there.

As my Facebook fans know, I LOVED IT! I posted a status update expressing my enthusiasm, while tagging some friends that had invited me to HC in the past/know of my previous struggles finding the right church. Immediately, several people added me on Facebook. Some of them I recognized as meeting that morning at church. Others, I figured out were members of the church and mutual friends of the people I had tagged, even though I had yet to meet them. *Cuckoo Warning Numero Uno* Despite being a bit odd, this did not surprise me, for as I mentioned in my status update that Sunday - everyone was beyond friendly and welcoming.

Three days later, I received a Facebook message from a dear friend of mine - Jayna Alexander. Apparently, she and another woman had stopped by my house the night before, as part of their Tuesday night HC visitation. She stated that they came by to thank me for coming and to see if I had any questions about their church. Although I had not filled out a card requesting a visit, I thought nothing of it because Jayna and I have been friends for years. She was the first person to give me a hug, as I walked through the church's doors, and she knows where I live. I messaged her back stating the obvious - I was not home. I thanked her for stopping by, told her I had no questions, and that I would see her - again - on August 19.

The next day, two different people invited me to join their Small Group. By the time the week had ended, a handful of people had messaged me about my visit. (What is happening?)

A week later, I called my parents to see if they wanted to go on a road trip with me - eating, shopping, etc. Upon picking them up, we got to talking about HC. My mother proceeded to tell me how I had become somewhat of a "celebrity" at HC. Obviously, I was very confused and asked her to explain. Apparently, by tagging some of my HC friends in my status update from the week before, other HC members - whom I do not know - saw my post. One of them copied it and distributed it amongst even more members, for the reason that they wanted the HC family to know that their mission of inviting people in, welcoming them, and showing enthusiasm toward visitors was accomplished. One of their goals is to be open and accepting. They realized they nailed it with me and wanted others to know. (Again, the hand on my "weirdness meter" began to quiver.) At first, I was semi-unnerved at the fact that someone had copied my words and shared them, without my permission. However, I quickly realized that even if I had been asked, I would not so much as hesitated to have allowed them to share. Plus, I was happy to feel so welcome and see people GENUINELY appreciating my interest in their church.

This past Monday night, I got home rather late. I noticed the blinking light on my house phone base, indicating a new voicemail. Before checking it, I saw that someone had indeed called at 8:59p. I did not recognize the name, and immediately thought it was going to be a patient emergency, given the hour. Upon checking the voicemail, I discovered that it was a new person from HC - whom I do not believe I have met - basically leaving me the same message Jayna had sent via Facebook - "I heard you visited! We are so happy you came! If you have any questions at all, please feel free to call me back. I hope to see you, again, soon! Have a wonderful evening! God Bless!" (You hope to see me, "again??" I do not remember seeing you the first time?! Seriously, who are these people?!) At this point, my "weird meter" hand not only quivered, it moved! Jayna visiting - no big thing. Now, other people are actually TRACKING me down!! Again, I did NOT leave ANY contact information!! NONE! Meaning, these people are going out of their way to find out my husband's name, look up our phone number, and call me at 9 o'clock in the evening!!

The next night, Tuesday, Jayna showed back up! Per usual, I am not home. Warren just happened to get home early that night. She brought peanut butter fudge. (Warren and I agreed that Jayna can stop by every Tuesday if she likes.)

Today, Thursday, I go to my mailbox. There is a letter from Pastor Trevor. Again, thanking me for my visit and encourgaging me to contact him or the church, if I have any questions. Enclosed is a gift card to Starbucks - a place I visit daily. *Weird meter hand cocked to the maximum level!*

OKAY - YES - I HAVE A QUESTION!! Jayna is exempt because she is my friend and knows almost everything about me. However, as for the rest of you, HOW DO YOU ALL KNOW WHERE I LIVE, MY MAILING ADDRESS, MY TELEPHONE NUMBER, AND MY FAVORITE LOCAL PLACES TO VISIT?! I have to tell you all, this would scare the bajeezus out of the majority of people!! Fortunately, I am not easily scared off. Nonetheless - LISTEN UP, HAWK CREEK MEMBERS!! Please, stop freaking me out! I think you all and your church are fabulous! There is absolutely NO need to show up at my door, call me, AND mail me a letter! Feel free to take a step back. (I shudder to think what would have happened, if I would have actually filled out a guest card asking for someone to contact me!) Every morning, I go to my front door to let my dogs out. I actually take a small pause, as I open the door, half expecting the church logo to have been burned into my front yard during the night. You all do not need to bribe me into coming back or continuing to share how wonderful I think you all are, by having seventeen people contact me and give me free gifts. I ALREADY LOVE YOU, JUST FOR BEING YOU!

With that being said, if the people you have doing surveillance on me have yet to figure it out: COACH is one of my most favorite stores; Thai is my favorite food; I love traveling, hence never being home; and I could really use a new laptop. Do what you will with that information, as no one hates free stuff (even if it comes at the price of being stalked).

At this point in time, I have no doubt in my mind that 75% of HC members will have this blog post sent to them via Facebook, Twitter, or email - probably with an actual photograph of me typing this, taken from a distance - within the hour. I am okay with that. Those who already KNOW me, will know not to take offense. I like to share stories and make people laugh. Those who do not know me - well, as in by meeting me face to face (I fear the entire HC congregation knows who I am by now) - this is me! This is my type of humor. If you are going to get all CIA on me, I will post about it. I plan to continue being one of your biggest advocates. However, I plan to do so with my newly hired bodyguard, Bob.

Thank you all, again, for making me feel *OVERLY* welcome, and for unknowingly entertaining me the past two weeks. I wait with great anticipation at the next round of gifts, as I pretend to waiver on my decision to become a member. Speaking of which, have I mentioned I LOOOOVE chocolate chip cookies?! Nestle Toll House, to be exact! (And NO! Thank you, but I will not be drinking the *constantly* offered Kool-Aid.)

things i have learned through motherhood

never buy suede tennis shoes.

you can never have enough wipes on hand.

they are going to fall. (you need to learn when to run to them and when to tell them to get up and shake it off.)

to leave your child unattended with bath foam is one thing. to leave your child AND husband unattended with bath foam is another.

never miss an opportunity to hug them.

get your child a pet. (that dog or cat will become one of their best friends.)

always have a dvd in the vehicle.

when your child is excitedly telling you something so fast that it is *simplyincoherentwords,* all you have to do is smile and say, "WOW!" (works every time.)

when the "terrible twos" set in, you MUST stand your ground.

fathers are terrified to use nail clippers on their newborn/infant.

chocolate is your enemy. (if you want to let your child have some, strip them down to nothing but their diaper/underwear.)

it does not matter what fabulously expensive and colorful toy you purchase, your child wants the box.

sing with your child - all the time.

marry someone who can handle vomit. (they are invaluable.)

musical greeting cards = trance.

anything that is child-proof is, also, adult-proof.

never underestimate how fast your child can run, particularly if they are in trouble or do not want to take a bath.

upon walking to your vehicle, if your child spots a dandelion and proudly picks it, do not let them convince you to hold it in the car. (by the time you get home, it is 301 various pieces of what used to be a dandelion scattered all over them, their car seat, and the floor of your car.)

fathers who insist on bouncing their baby and/or holding them up in the air - after you have warned them that the baby *just* finished a bottle - will get what is coming to them.

remind your husband that just because the diaper says "overnight" on the packaging does not mean you only have to change it every 12 hrs.

read to your child. (do not skip pages. they are too smart for that.)

when your child walks up to you with what looks like a chocolate ice cream mustache and then proceeds to tell you it is NOT chocolate ice cream - followed by their grandfather walking into the room with the same mustache and a bowl behind his back - do not believe either of them.

the moment you decide to leave the diaper bag at home because you are only going to be gone for 10 minutes is precisely when you will need the diaper bag.

kids quickly learn who the weak one is and will become their puppet master. (i suggest being the strong one.)

make waking up fun - i.e., dumping a bunch of stuffed animals on top of them, cracking the door and popping your head in and out as if you do not want to be seen, or turning the light switch on and off while pretending your child is the one making it happen.

have impromptu dance parties - often.

take them to church. (the sooner, the better.)

constantly encourage and praise. never tear down.

even when absolutely exhausted, make time for your child.

at some point, your child will use a marker as lipstick.

during bathtime, fathers are bigger kids than the child in the tub. (it is he who invents the pirate ship capsizing game, due to a tidal wave - a tidal wave that rushes across the entire bathroom floor.)

there is an indefinable moment, when complete silence from your child in the other room goes from peaceful to trouble.

calmly walk up and open your child's mouth rather than asking, "what do you have in your mouth?" (this only gives them an opportunity to clamp their mouth shut with some sort of insane mouth clamping superpower. this same principle applies when giving your cat medicine.)

things i have seen that have amused and/or irritated me

amused: "50c each or 2 for $1." good try, applebee's - but i am smarter than that!

(applebee's; corbin, ky)

irritated: "BAKED POTATOES AVAILABLE 5-10pm daily." seriously?! baked potatoes must be limited to a specific time frame?? (i do not even like baked potatoes. simply pissed that if i DID, i could not get one at 3:37pm.)

(applebee's; corbin, ky)

highly irritated: this jackass decided to utilize the bank window attached to the building, NOT the commercial lane three rows over. his antics forced everyone trying to pull into the drive-thru - by coming around the building as specified - to back up, leave the bank parking lot, and re-enter from the back.

(cumberland valley bank; london, ky)

both: "Bat Cave." amused, yet irritated that they found my lair.
(I-40E; near asheville, north carolina)

irritated: "BEEF BONANZA AFTER 4PM." *EGAD!*

(golden corral; london, ky)

irritated: yep, tis a bounce house - in the middle of a parking lot. true, it is taking up numerous parking spaces, but it is - obviously - safe for children. (i mean, what possible harm could come from letting children bounce around in a house erected where vehicles are on the move?)

(kroger parking lot; london, ky)

both: "Casual Traveler." i, for one, was highly amused! however, the TSA chic that i argued with regarding the absence of my horse was irritated.

(standiford field louisville international airport; louisville, ky)

amused: "ADD BACON. Add Bacon." i ordered a cheese sandwich - two slices of bread, one slice of cheese. ironically, this is how the cashier determined the price. (talk about passive-aggressive.)

(steak 'n shake; london, ky)

amused: what is not to love? tis a giant metal chicken!! i should really send this to the bloggess. (http://thebloggess.com/2011/06/and-thats-why-you-should-learn-to-pick-your-battles/) she.would.love!

(berea, ky)

amused: dad's friends! (if you do not get this reference, you do not know me well - which is very sad for you.)

(near laurel lake; london, ky)

irritated: dear dr. shit for brains - how about YOU explain to the patient how to take "1.89375 tabs by mouth every 4 hours as needed!"

(prescription from the office of a moron; london, ky)

amused: "*b*e the one." touché, drug topics! (the american sign langauge community would be proud.!

irritated: "EASTERN KENTUCKY UNIVERSITY FOUNDED 1874/1906." really, you were founded ("to establish or set up, especially with provision for continuing existence") TWICE?!

(eku; richmond, ky)

amused: "BEER $2.75. EXPENSIVE BEER $3.25." the "expensive" beer is a whole 50c more. OUCH! (tis exactly why one should save their pennies - so they can splurge here and there.)

(tortuga's; birmingham, al)

irritated: "No one currently likes this." um..are you sure about that, facebook?

irritated: "Comment Does Not Exist. The comment may have already been deleted." then, why the hell was i given the option to delete it?!

amused: "LEARN TO FLY HERE." uh..i think i would rather learn somewhere other than on a main road.
(US 25; london, ky)

both: exhibit a - HEELLLOOOOO!! exhibit b - NICELY DONE! exhibit c - SERIOUSLY?! do not waste my time! exhibit d - WTF?! i want my money back!

("frosted" mini-wheats)

irritated: "FST ONE." then, WHY are you going at a snail's pace in the SLOW lane?!
(HWY 192; london, ky)

amused: "HOME COOKING AND GO CARTS. NOW OPEN." FINALLY, SOMEONE GETS IT! i have always said that someone should start a business by combining the two. (how on earth could such a venture fail?)

(US 25; london, ky)

highly amused: ALL RED! I JUST WON THE GUMMI WORMS LOTTERY!!

both: "HO." i find it absolutely irritating that our dishwasher, occasionally, flashes this message when i walk into the room - never warren. he, on the other hand, is always thoroughly amused.

amused: i like when patients keep me on my toes, as i NEVER expected to be greeted by a horse at my drive-thru window. (stupid on my part, as i live in kentucky.) plus, the truck and trailer in its entirety blocked both windows at once, so it gave me a chance to catch up.

(london, ky)

amused: "Saint Joseph - London. We've Moved." how much would this have blown, had you not known in advance?!
(saint joseph - london hospital's old location; london, ky)

amused: "INEDIBLE." thank you, captain obvious!

neither: more like - disturbed. once i got to 30, i quit counting the boxes of junk food. (i could just feel myself developing diabetes.)
(walmart; london, ky)

irriated: lazy ass mailman! there is NO WAY this was easier than walking the package to my front door!

(united states postal service's finest - rodney; london, ky)

BEYOND irritated: "Graduates for Toddlers. Meat Sticks." dearest warren - our daughter does not have to be a vegetarian, but i better NEVER find anything like this in our pantry, again! *CANNOT.STOP.VOMITING!*

amused: "MENS HANDICAPPED RESTROOM ON THIRD FLOOR." seems a bit harsh.

(four seasons town centre; greensboro, nc)

amused: "more colorful." does anyone else see the irony?! (personally, i think nbc is racist.)

amused: sadly, i had to curtail my comedy, while on the resort's property.
(sandestin golf and beach resort; destin, fl)

irritated: "Important Message. The TiVo service has detected a change in your cable lineup. Added 114 OWN." AGHH!! someone at the cable company thought it was a good idea to add the oprah winfrey network to my cable lineup! *GAG ME!*

amused: "PAPA JOHN'S. UK. GO BIG BLUE!" why would i not love to see a uk pizza box from a company started by a man who lives in louisville, ky?!

amused: "NO PARKING BETWEEN SIGNS." the other sign must be invisible.

(fazoli's; london, ky)

amused: a biker babe wearing a helmet with pigtails. (i imagine she has been this "cool" all her life.)

amused: "PRESCRIPTIONS IN REAR." THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!!
(duane reade; new york city, ny)

irritated: "Professional Pharmacy LOCATED IN BUILDING 3." as opposed to the "unprofessional" ones?!

(pattie a. clay pharmacy; richmond, ky)

amused: "Property of Sky: NOT for Old People, Pregnant Girls, Skanks (Kim)." i found this note attached to a pan of cookies in my parents' fridge, after i had spent the previous three days baking up a storm in the kitchen.

amused: "Average contents 2." what do you mean, "average?!?!" this is a box of shoes!! when would there NOT be two?!

amused: "Save the Children UPSTAIRS." poor kids.

(save the children; berea, ky)

amused: "SANITARY SEWER. HOE OF KY." you will never convince me that a sewer - particularly one known as the "hoe of ky" - is sanitary. (never.)

(main street; london, ky)

neither: horrified - a more accurate classification. "HOOTERS. 1/2 PRICE BUFFALO SHRIMP TUESDAY 4-12 PM. CRAB $7.99/LB. WE HAVE SILLY BANDS." (speechless.)
(hooters; richmond, ky)

both: amused at the drug addict's failed attempt to convince me that the doctor had not written in a "do not fill until" date. irritated that she got absolutely hostile, when i told her the prescriptions had been tampered with and were therefore invalid.
(corbin, ky)

amused: "tennessee. we're playing your song." i HIGHLY doubt that.
(televised commercial)

amused: "DAWN DELONG. THONG DONG." hehehe

(MSOP class portrait of a graduating pharmacy class years before mine; birmingham, al)

amused: "First Twelve Mile Baptist Church. GOD SHOWS NO FAVORITISM, BUT OUR SIGN GUY DOES. GO BIG BLUE!" i bet God does, too!
(first twelve mile baptist church; california, ky)

irritated: yep, you are seeing a UPS driver in line to purchase cigarettes - or he is simply too lazy to get out and deliver a package. (chaps my ass, either way.)
(discount tobacco; london, ky)

highly irritated: WTF, vera bradley?! i am not an engineer! give me a damn pre-constructed box next time!!

highly amused: the doctor's nurse wrote "walgreens" at the top of the prescription (illegal, by the way). the patient scratched it out and wrote "thompson drug." (BOO-YAH!)
(london, ky)

HIGHLY amused: two days after warren purchased a suburban, and i noted how close he parked to the brick steps in the garage, i told him he needed to go and purchase the child protective foam corner pads for tables and such. he thought i was just being bitchy. as seen above, i can now say, "YOU ARE WELCOME, WARREN!"

irritated: "CAUTION WHEELCHAIR POSSIBLE ON ROADWAY." my counter cautionary disclaimer: "CAUTION WHEELCHAIR ON ROADWAY WILL BE RAN OVER."
(cold hill road; london, ky)

amused: why am i not cool enough to have a white tiger statue in the middle of my front yard?