things i hate - pregnancy/motherhood edition

onesies/outfits with more than three snaps. (sometimes, three can be excessive.)

people pretending i am not a whale/hippo. ("OH, NO! you look positively FAAABULOUS! i cannot even TELL you are pregnant!" lady - i am 300 lbs, sweating like a horse, and struggle to walk anywhere over 20 ft. SHUT THE EFF UP!!)

sharing a story regarding something great my kid did, only to have the person i am addressing try to "outdo" said story. (do i look like i give a shit about you or YOUR kid?! how about giving me two damn seconds to take pride in mine?!)

scales.

glancing in the direction of my wine cabinet. (oftentimes, i cry.)

my belly getting in the way of everything! (EV.ER.Y.THING!)

pregnancy during the summer. (maternity swimsuits are the most depressing thing in life.)

hot flashes.

parents who allow their children to hit/shove them. (the day my child is brave enough to strike me - which she better hope is never - will be the day she thinks is the worst in her life..until her daddy gets home. then, she will realize the worst has only begun.)

barely being able to tie my shoes, shave, breathe, sleep, live.

the waiting!! (pregnancy is the LOOOOONGEST 10 months in a woman's life - at least in mine!)

having to rely on those around me to lift/move heavy objects.

restroom lines.

mothers who have "old hat syndrome." (i realize you have kids coming out the ying yang and have done and seen it all before. however, do not ask me about mine, if all you are going to do is give me the - "yeah, all kids do that." "yeah, that is nothing special." "yeah, just wait until you have a second child. then, you will realize how trivial that is." YOU ASKED ME! THIS IS MY *FIRST* CHILD! I AM EXCITED - WHEN SHE DOES *ANYTHING!* PISS OFF!)

having to stop to rest and drink water, walking from the house to the mailbox.

maternity jeans. (they NEVER stay up!)

staring at something on the top shelf, knowing there is no safe way for me to retrieve it.

parents who - upon realizing their child is NOT going to stop crying - choose to remain in the movie theater, church sanctuary, etc anyway. (REMOVE THAT EFFIN' KID!!)

random women who think they know how to raise MY child better than i do. (i am not a perfect mother - neither are you.)

a 9 year old in a stroller.

unprovoked crying. (i can barely get through a commercial.)

a kid who can walk and talk, yet is still allowed to suck on a pacifier. (actually, tis their mothers i hate.)

the parents that choose not to discipline their kids. (no one else thinks little jimmy is adorable, when he outright defies you and screams, "NOO!")

mirrors.

mothers who allow their children to LIE on the floor of the pediatrician's office!! (i nearly faint, as my mind starts to race, recalling all the horrible viruses and such that can surivive on inanimate surfaces!)

parents who believe their kids are not going to grow up to be spoiled brats and ignore authoritative figures, even though they choose to utilize false threats rather than following through or beating the shit out of them. (corporal punishment is not child abuse.)

women who like to share their horrifying birth stories, knowing i am going to pop at any moment.

people who tell me what i should and should not do, during pregnancy. (if i want to cross my arms, i will damn it! if i want to eat spicy foods, so be it!)

walking out of the restroom, only to immediately turn back around to pee - again.

parents who allow their kids to run rampant in restaurants.

people who stare. (i am pregnant, not afflicted with some sort of incurable deformity. i cannot be the first pregnant woman you have ever seen.)

my unborn child dancing on my bladder, kicking my ribs, and visibly moving a limb in the womb like some sort of alien life form.

the preacher, deacons, elders, guest speakers, and musicians at church who want me to get up and down - UP and DOWN! (i am standing ONCE! i will greet you, sing a song, and pray all at the same time. totally unnecessary to break it up into special segments.)

rodney.