OOOOOOooookay! I just went all DEFCON 1 over here! Apparently, whilst being out of town, every spider in a 20 mile radius decided to move into our garage - most noticeably around my truck, as it has been sitting undisturbed the past couple weeks. I saw them last night - when I got home from work - but bolted for the door and quickly slammed it shut, locking it behind me, as if they know how to open the door. (Honestly, though, they probably do.) Unfortunately, my genuine fear of spiders prevents me from being able to get close enough to kill them, in a normal fashion - stepping on them, squashing them with a magazine, etc. I need to be at least 10-15 feet away - AT ALL TIMES! However, I am the only one home right now, and I could NOT get the groceries out of my vehicle a moment ago - the majority of which needed to be refrigerated. (I presume the garage door opening brought them out of hiding.)
I contemplated what to do, while standing on the top of my garage steps, watching the spiders multiple in the 100s (fine, maybe the 50s) - coming out from every nook and cranny around my truck. I saw a can of Raid on one of the garage shelves, but knew that was of no use, because there is no way I could get close enough to use it. A broom rarely kills them - just maims - and Warren has already hidden the sledgehammer, due to last year's incident (CLICK since when do we own a sledgehammer?). As I stood there, I started to perspire - panicking - as more and more spiders emerged. (Seriously, I could see NINE! Nine of the huge, fuzzy, brown spiders!!)
Finally, I SAW IT - a can of Hot Shot Raid, typically used for wasps/hornets. I did not care, as I knew it would do the trick, AND I would still be able to stand far enough back to maintain sanity. The issue - one of the larger spiders was directly between me and my weapon of choice. (I am certain he knew this.) I plotted out every single possible way of obtaining the Hot Shot, while avoiding the spider's death trap, but came to the conclusion that if I wanted the can, I was going to have to step OVER the spider. (Obviously, this is a horrifying option, as the spider could spring straight up and attack me at the exact moment I lift my leg to step over.) I tried to convince myself to turn around, head inside, and leave the spider issue for Warren to handle. However, as I stood there, a new fear entered my mind - what if, like snakes, the spiders found a way to crawl up into my truck!?!? This thought nearly sent me spiraling into madness! (What happens next, happens FAST!)
Without even preparing myself, I jumped straight off the top steps onto the garage floor, took one running step, and LEAPT across the spider. (I truly believe I cleared the nasty thing by a good 10 feet, and I am short.) In one motion, as I was descending back down to Earth, I grabbed the can of Hot Shot off the shelf and turned my body toward the spider. (For all I knew, he had realized what was happening, turned around, and was running toward me at full attack speed.) The moment I landed, I depressed my finger on the can, firing at my enemy. NO JOKE - rather than running away in fear, as I suspected - THE EFFIN' THING CAME RUNNING *AT* ME!! I was all - "THIS IS NOT HAPPENING! YOU ARE IMAGINING THIS, RAN! GET IT TOGETHER!" Negative! The spider came running full force, backing me into my truck. I sprayed that can, as if my life depended on it. Finally - after what felt like an eternity - he began to slow and arch his legs up, writhing in pain. Before I had time to revel in my bravery and spot on sharp shooting, something in my hand hissed. (Twas the type of hiss that I imagine a dying spider would make - or more realistically - the FRIEND of a dying spider.) I tried to look down at the can in my hand in order to process, but it hissed again, before I had the chance. Ergo, instead, I sent that can flying! My heart was lodged in my throat, trying to beat its way out. I could barely breathe and began to become dizzy - fully aware that I could NOT faint on a floor of spiders!
When the can landed, the hissing continued. I, then, realized it was the sound any pressurized container makes, upon release. Unfortunately, I realized this too late, as the can was 20 feet away, with at least 8 more spiders to kill (spiders which are sure to be incredibly ticked that I just killed their leader). I knew I HAD to get that can back, no matter what it meant, as my life hung in the balance. I ran so fast that when I reached down to grab the can, my body continued to propel forward, slamming me into the wall. Can in one hand, bruised forehead in the other - I turned to face my opposition.
Out of nowhere, I got this burst of energy (more like hysteria) and crouched down on one knee, turning from one direction to another, never letting my finger ease off the depressed can. Hot Shot liquid ejected EVERYWHERE! Once I felt I had secured my position, I jumped up, took another flying leap over dead bodies, and screamed as I landed outside the garage. I, immediately, spun around and started to spray the ENTIRE entrance to the garage. From there, I sprayed corners, baseboards, ceilings, my truck's tires, Warren's tools, innocent insects, small children, etc. (I do not believe there is one square inch of unsprayed surface in that garage.) Here and there, another spider would emerge. I would scream like a little girl and spray like mad. (To be honest, I am not sure if the actual poison killed them or they simply drowned in the amount of liquid I covered them in.)
When nothing but dead spiders - each laying in a pool of Hot Shot - surrounded me, I felt comfortable enough to lower my weapon. I walked out of the garage, allowed the situation to overcome me, and proceeded to shake and thrash my body uncontrollably, patting myself down, ruffling my hair, making sure one of the spiders had not jumped on me in the chaos. I would love to say that I was calm and collected; however, that was far from the case. I have no doubt that neighbors saw and/or heard me outside - losing my absolute mind. I was too far gone to care. (At any moment, I fully expect the director of the nearest mental ward to show up at my door, with two bouncer-sized men in white uniforms.) Either way - what I know for certain - any approaching spiders will think twice about trespassing, when they see the battleground of dead bodies, of which I have purposely left as a warning. (I so much as see another spider -- I WILL be digging out the blow torch.)
**UPDATE: Since posting this TEN minutes ago, another incident has occurred. I just opened the door off the deck, in order to let my dogs inside. When I looked down, one of those damned spiders was scurrying across my shoe. I literally freaked out to such an extent that one of my dogs started to whimper. I opened the nearest drawer, grabbed the phone book, and dropped it square on the spider. Then, I proceeded to jump up and down a good 39 times! The phonebook - and hopefully decimated spider - still remain on the floor. (Should prove to be a fun surprise for Warren, who also hates spiders.)
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