We shall call him Patrick.

Bright and early on Friday morning, my friend sent me a video via Facebook Messenger. (We shall call him Patrick.) At first, I was excited, as he normally sends humorous things. Upon clicking the video, I noticed that it was 34 minutes long, but it only took me ONE minute to realize that Patrick is the latest friend to be hit with the "jumping on the train that leads to any new fad or get rich quick scheme, and then forcing it down ALL your friends' throats!" He followed the video with a message saying that if I place an order, I can save $150.

Few thoughts...

1) REALLY, PATRICK?! $150!!! WTF?!? Do I have a sign on my forehead that says, "CHUMP?!" I do not even want to know what the latest "yay" thing costs, if I can **SAVE** $150! What is the deal? "Spend $3000, get $150 off?!" (SMH!)

2) Patrick, Patrick, Patrick. NEVER EVER NEVER send a woman a link, a code, a coupon, an ANYTHING regarding healthy eating or losing weight! (HAVE YOU LOST YOUR DAMN MIND?!) Do I look like a woman, who needs a man to tell her she has gained a few pounds??? Have YOU had three children, Patrick?! Do YOU understand female hormonal changes?! Do YOU have to fret over bikini season, every single year?! Come tell me - TO MY FACE - about this exciting new adventure in weight loss, so that I can shove your enthusiasm right up your skinny ass!

3) Diets and Easy Fixes. Here is the thing about them - they do NOT exsist (at least, not in the sense some believe). There is eating healthy, and there is not. There is dragging yourself to the gym and/or walking/running around your neighborhood, and there is eating chips on the couch. There is nothing in between, and once you get to the point where you need a fix, it takes LEGITIMATE EFFORT to get back to where you used to be. No pills. No amazingness. No supplements. No blah, blah, blah. PUT DOWN THE COOKIES. GET UP. MOVE. Or do not. Completely up to you. However, do NOT smack the ice cream out of my hands, demand a thousand dollars, and tell me I can get back to "me" in a few easy steps. (EFF YOU, PATRICK!)

4) Do I LOOK like someone, who falls into the latest trends? For as long as I can remember, I have marched to the beat of my own drum. It has taken me to where I am, and I like where I am AND who I am! I do not want your thin ass path, Patrick. In fact, I prefer to be paving my own. I do not (nor have I ever, nor will I ever) use Thrive, use Essential Oils, buy "clean" cleaning products that do not clean, shake up my life with Shakeology, have plans to start my own Pintrest page, paint my nails with Jamberry, apply amazing mascara and lip gloss that seem to only be sold (pushed out like drugs) through Facebook.

5) THIRTY-FOUR EFFIN' MINUTES, PATRICK?! (I am uncertain if I am jealous, highly amused, or both!) APPARENTLY, you think that as a wife, a mother of three, a business owner, and a current house builder that I have 34 minutes of time to devote to something NOT associated with the aforementioned titles I possess. (HILARIOUS!!) On the flip side, I find myself loathing you, because you MUST have lots of free time on your hands! Not only did you have the time to watch this video (and drink the Kool-Aid), but you had the time to send it to me on a weekday morning. In addition (and this is where it gets really annoying), when I click on the video you sent, YouTube lists related videos. (SHUT THE EFF UP!?!? It cannot be possible!) Yeeeeep...you had time to sit down and make YOUR OWN DAMN VIDEO!!! (I.CANNOT.EVEN!) Honestly, I wish I had 34 minutes for myself, so that I could simply sit in silence. Or maybe take a nap. Watch one of my recorded television programs. Read a book. Consume something oozing with calories. Take a shower - IN PRIVATE!

I am burning the candle at both ends and the sides, Friend! I am sinning every chance I get, as I am certain the Bible says to not overdo it. You know the verse. Something like, "Thou shalt not burneth the candleth at any end other than thy topeth." (I know. I need to get back to church.) I do not even have the time to sit here and write this blog, which means I am now even FURTHERETH behind than I was, before you sent me such insanity! My three year old is literally standing next to me, legs crossed in an attempt to not pee on herself, while saying on repeat, "I am hungry, Mommy! Come on! I am hungry!" The dogs are barking to go out. I just heard my dryer go off in full song mode. My phone is ringing and texting off the hook. All while I am shouting, "Mommy is coming, in five minutes! She is frantically plotting the death of someone, who used to be her friend!" 

**BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Patrick may have just redeemed himself. As I am sitting here typing this nonsense, he has replied to my message of "Not interested, Asshole," with "What about Warren? LOL! ;)" (I have changed my mind. I am keeping him as a friend.)


**ending post** **mic dropped**

The Realtor

A late post is better than no post.

In the beginning of the year, there were a few times when I was in Warren's vehicle, as the passenger, and the seat setting had been changed. The first time I asked, "Who has been in here? My seat is all jacked!" Warren said he could not recall anyone else being in his vehicle. The second or third time I was more, "Okay, who is the bitch, because my seat is - yet again - NOT the same?!" Warren laughed and assured me that no one had been in his vehicle.

Fast forward to this past weekend. Warren and I were in Lexington "celebrating" Valentine's Day. (I am onboard for any excuse that involves food and wine, even if I loathe the commercialization and ridiculousness of February 14th.) We had a good day and a great dinner! Before leaving the restaurant, Warren made a comment along the lines of, "If you drive, I promise to sleep the entire way home." I said I would and as promised - he slept. 

So, there I was - enjoying my music, focusing on the hellacious rain I was driving through, thinking about all things water, when I realized I was thirsty!! Due to the aforementioned monsoon I was driving through, I reached my right hand out to blindly grab my water bottle, which I knew to be in the console's cup holder, while continuing to stare straight ahead. However, when I grabbed it, a couple items came with it - a gum wrapper and, what appeared to be at first glance, a wallet-sized photo of a woman (a woman who was NOT me).

I half threw the water bottle down, shook the gum wrapper off my hand, and pulled the photo closer. I realized it was someone I knew of, but was actually her BUSINESS CARD, not a personal photo. 

I laughed and thought to myself, "Well, that makes more sense! It is just a business card, OF COURSE! Warren would not have a...wait. WAIT!! WHY does Warren have a REALTOR'S business card?! We are not selling or buying. We are in the process of BUILDING! There is ZERO reason he would have this card, unless it was left in his vehicle - BY WAY OF FALLING OUT OF HER PURSE!! HOW TALL IS AMANDA, ANYWAY?! I BET THAT BITCH IS THE ONE, WHO KEEPS MOVING MY SEAT BACK!! (Meanwhile, the rain continued to come down in torrents. I just missed hitting a guardrail. Warren was snoring.)

I pulled my right arm across my body, so that my right hand was almost cupped on my left shoulder. Then, I released and swung my arm as hard as I could, straight across, into Warren's arm and chest. ***SMACK*** Warren nearly jumped out of his seat!! "WHAT?! What happened?! Are you okay?!"

I say nothing, but hold up the business card.

He, immediately, sits up: "Oooooh, yeah, I have been meaning to tell you about that."

Me: "Uh huh."

Warren: "No, seriously. It was the oddest thing."

Me: "Enlighten me."

Warren: "A couple months ago, when I went over to the new house to check on the progress the men had made that day, I found that card just sitting on our kitchen island."

Me, after a long pause: "Uh huh. Uh huh. So, you are saying that you FOUND this card?"

Warren: "Yes."

Me: "You are saying THIS card - MAGICALLY appeared - INSIDE our new house?"

Warren, happy that I seemed to be understanding: "Yes, exactly!"

Me: "A REALTOR'S card, INSIDE a residential buildsite, for a house that we have been building for over TWO years, but that you NOR I had an appointment with or met?"

Warren, growing a little uneasy: "Umm..yes."

Me: "Uh huh. Pray tell, how did she get INSIDE our house, then?"

Warren: "I have no idea. That is the crazy part! That is why I wanted to ask you about it."

Me: "The CrAzY part that you wanted to ask me about, TWO TO THREE MONTHS AGO?"

Warren, nervous laughing: "Well, yes."

Me: "How is that working out for you, now?"

Warren, laughing: "It could be going better."

Me, not laughing: "I hope you have an attorney, because I have the best London has to offer. The good news - you have already found yourself a realtor, whom can help your ass relocate out of our rental and into a place of your own."

Warren and I, simultaneously: ***BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA***

We have a twisted sense of humor. Sorry I called you a bitch, Amanda!