We shall call him Patrick.

Bright and early on Friday morning, my friend sent me a video via Facebook Messenger. (We shall call him Patrick.) At first, I was excited, as he normally sends humorous things. Upon clicking the video, I noticed that it was 34 minutes long, but it only took me ONE minute to realize that Patrick is the latest friend to be hit with the "jumping on the train that leads to any new fad or get rich quick scheme, and then forcing it down ALL your friends' throats!" He followed the video with a message saying that if I place an order, I can save $150.

Few thoughts...

1) REALLY, PATRICK?! $150!!! WTF?!? Do I have a sign on my forehead that says, "CHUMP?!" I do not even want to know what the latest "yay" thing costs, if I can **SAVE** $150! What is the deal? "Spend $3000, get $150 off?!" (SMH!)

2) Patrick, Patrick, Patrick. NEVER EVER NEVER send a woman a link, a code, a coupon, an ANYTHING regarding healthy eating or losing weight! (HAVE YOU LOST YOUR DAMN MIND?!) Do I look like a woman, who needs a man to tell her she has gained a few pounds??? Have YOU had three children, Patrick?! Do YOU understand female hormonal changes?! Do YOU have to fret over bikini season, every single year?! Come tell me - TO MY FACE - about this exciting new adventure in weight loss, so that I can shove your enthusiasm right up your skinny ass!

3) Diets and Easy Fixes. Here is the thing about them - they do NOT exsist (at least, not in the sense some believe). There is eating healthy, and there is not. There is dragging yourself to the gym and/or walking/running around your neighborhood, and there is eating chips on the couch. There is nothing in between, and once you get to the point where you need a fix, it takes LEGITIMATE EFFORT to get back to where you used to be. No pills. No amazingness. No supplements. No blah, blah, blah. PUT DOWN THE COOKIES. GET UP. MOVE. Or do not. Completely up to you. However, do NOT smack the ice cream out of my hands, demand a thousand dollars, and tell me I can get back to "me" in a few easy steps. (EFF YOU, PATRICK!)

4) Do I LOOK like someone, who falls into the latest trends? For as long as I can remember, I have marched to the beat of my own drum. It has taken me to where I am, and I like where I am AND who I am! I do not want your thin ass path, Patrick. In fact, I prefer to be paving my own. I do not (nor have I ever, nor will I ever) use Thrive, use Essential Oils, buy "clean" cleaning products that do not clean, shake up my life with Shakeology, have plans to start my own Pintrest page, paint my nails with Jamberry, apply amazing mascara and lip gloss that seem to only be sold (pushed out like drugs) through Facebook.

5) THIRTY-FOUR EFFIN' MINUTES, PATRICK?! (I am uncertain if I am jealous, highly amused, or both!) APPARENTLY, you think that as a wife, a mother of three, a business owner, and a current house builder that I have 34 minutes of time to devote to something NOT associated with the aforementioned titles I possess. (HILARIOUS!!) On the flip side, I find myself loathing you, because you MUST have lots of free time on your hands! Not only did you have the time to watch this video (and drink the Kool-Aid), but you had the time to send it to me on a weekday morning. In addition (and this is where it gets really annoying), when I click on the video you sent, YouTube lists related videos. (SHUT THE EFF UP!?!? It cannot be possible!) Yeeeeep...you had time to sit down and make YOUR OWN DAMN VIDEO!!! (I.CANNOT.EVEN!) Honestly, I wish I had 34 minutes for myself, so that I could simply sit in silence. Or maybe take a nap. Watch one of my recorded television programs. Read a book. Consume something oozing with calories. Take a shower - IN PRIVATE!

I am burning the candle at both ends and the sides, Friend! I am sinning every chance I get, as I am certain the Bible says to not overdo it. You know the verse. Something like, "Thou shalt not burneth the candleth at any end other than thy topeth." (I know. I need to get back to church.) I do not even have the time to sit here and write this blog, which means I am now even FURTHERETH behind than I was, before you sent me such insanity! My three year old is literally standing next to me, legs crossed in an attempt to not pee on herself, while saying on repeat, "I am hungry, Mommy! Come on! I am hungry!" The dogs are barking to go out. I just heard my dryer go off in full song mode. My phone is ringing and texting off the hook. All while I am shouting, "Mommy is coming, in five minutes! She is frantically plotting the death of someone, who used to be her friend!" 

**BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Patrick may have just redeemed himself. As I am sitting here typing this nonsense, he has replied to my message of "Not interested, Asshole," with "What about Warren? LOL! ;)" (I have changed my mind. I am keeping him as a friend.)


**ending post** **mic dropped**