Dear Gardner Girls

Hello there! I hope this letter finds you all well. While each of you have been living up your summer via traveling, having slumber parties at your grandparents' and best friends' houses, swimming daily, celebrating each of your birthdays, and living life with abandon, guess what Mommy has been doing? Yes, that is right. Mommy has been cleaning, packing, and purging, in preparation for the move into our new, shiny, clean house. It has just been soooo much fun, going through all of your bedrooms, playroom, and art center - especially when you all try to "help" me by removing everything I put into the donation bag when I turn my head, or when I walk away for more than three seconds and come back to find that the box I just packed has been upturned, scattered about the entire effin' room, and all three of you have mysteriously VANISHED from sight. (Those are definitely my favorite times.)

During this past week, when I was packing up mass quantities of toys and random shit you girls have squirreled away (in EVERY conceivable box, bag, small container, plastic egg, etc), Mommy decided to establish some "New House, New Rules" rules. Yes, I know. Mommy is so funny. She just said "rules rules." Just look at your cute faces. I need you all to focus, though. Are you ready?

Rule #1: Mommy will never ever NEVER buy anymore Shopkins, Squinkies, Surprizamals, any type of blind bag, Littlest Pet Shops, LOL Dolls (including Lil' Sisters and Pets), creepy effin' squishies, Hatchimal Colleggtibles, Pikmi Pops, or any other small toys with MINISCULE parts. If Grandma refuses to participate in this new rule, then whatever she buys will stay at HER house. Should something she buys end up at our house, I will burn those small ass toy parts (if I can see them) and murder your grandmother. Please, do not make me kill Gram. Mommy loves her, too (most days), but I will end your grandmother's life. Do we all understand Rule #1? Campbell, there is no need to cry. I know Gram is your favorite person and buddy. Nothing bad will happen to her, IF you do as I say. (I will for sure have to bury her out back.)

What was that? You all want to know if Mommy will buy some new Play-Doh because most of it is dried out into brick-like weapons or they are mostly an ugly brown color, due to mixing 7 colors together? Let me think about it. Ummm...NOOOOO! NO, NO, NO! Rule #2: Mommy will never EVER NEVER buy anymore Play-Doh, UNTIL YOU GIRLS LEARN HOW TO PUT THE DAMN LIDS BACK ON THE MOTHER EFFIN' CONTAINERS!! There was ZERO reason Mommy should have had to throw away that ENTIRE box of Play-Doh over there! You want to play with Play-Doh? Mommy will drag the dried containers back out, and you can learn all about a SUPER FUN game I used to play as a child...MARBLES! Just wait til you experience the joy (complete BOREDOM) of playing a good ol' game of rolling random balls (dried Play-Doh balls) around on the floor (that is until they all roll under the furniture or the kitchen appliances).

Moving on! Do you girls see this? Take a good look.

WHAT THE HELL ARE THESE AND WHERE DID THEY COME FROM?! Yes, Riley Mac! THANK YOU! Mommy is aware they are PENS! What Mommy is NOT privy to is how they came to be in your possession. I have never seen them. I am 110% certain I did not buy them. In fact, do you all see this entire pile of stuff? Mommy has NEVER seen ANY of it! I can only guess that one of two things is happening. 1) You all have learned how to steal things, while we are at the store. 2) Your GRANDMOTHER bought them! STOP CRYING, CAMPBELL! Did I SAY I was going to kill your grandmother?! (Already dug the hole!)

Rule #3: Listen up, Charleston! This one is for you. YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO THROW AWAY FLATWARE, STICK STICKERS ON SURFACES OTHER THAN PAPER OR YOUR HANDS, OR PLAY WITH BARBIE DOLLS! Flatware. According to my calculations, we have seven of twelve small spoons left. SEVEN, CHARLIE! Utensils go in the sink, NOT the trash can! Stickers. OH MY GOSH THE STICKERS! I have found them stuck to the tile floor, shower walls, and most of your toys. My favorite was the one Mommy found on the back of your brand new iPad!! Until you know the hell of trying to get the sticky part of stickers off of something, you are banished from stickers! (At this rate, the ban will not be lifted, until you are 18!) Barbie Dolls. Instead of playing with Barbies, or dolls of any kind, you will be going to therapy. The carnage I discovered was MORE than disturbing. Why are they all naked, Charlie? What happened to their hair? WHY are some of them missing their head or arms?! You know Mommy is already freaked out by dolls (with their demonic eyes all watching me and such). You can only IMAGINE my horror, at finding one sitting in a doll rocking chair, drinking tea, completely nude, half of her hair shaved, with NO ARMS! HOW IS SHE SUPPOSED TO EVEN DRINK THE TEA, CHARLESTON?! (I CANNOT EVEN!!)

I love you all very much, but to keep Mommy sane in the new house, these are the new rules. I am quite certain there will be more to follow. Until then, night night. Sleep tight. Do not let the bed bugs bite. And remember, stay in bed, or the monsters living underneath it will get you. Just kidding! (No, I am not.)

Hugs & Kisses,
Mommy