In years past, I have purchased gifts to give my girls from her, and she has paid me back. This eliminated unnecessary shipping costs and her searching for particular items that I could simply order on Amazon or find at my local Walmart. (I have done this very same thing with my sister-in-law and other members of my own family.) Nonetheless, I began to notice that even though we both seemed happy with this system, in addition to the gifts I sought out for her, she was STILL sending additional gifts. As a result, my girls were essentially receiving double gifts/two Christmases. (It had to stop!)
So, this year, I thought to myself, "Maybe she enjoys the hunt?!" Then, I realized that OF COURSE she does!! She has helped me make over 100 different children's Christmases, by buying and sending multiples of the "IT" toy of the year, the past three years. (I told you, she has a heart of gold!) Ergo, I decided to do things differently. This year, I sent her Amazon links to the EXACT toys that each of my girls wanted, and IT WORKED!! She was all too happy to click on the links, order the items, ship them to her house, and then ship them to mine. (The entire thing was ludicrous to me, but if it made her gift-giving experience jolly, GO ON WITH YOUR BAD SELF! I was still going to have to wrap all of them, but it was worth it. Plus, it took additional shopping off of my plate.) I was so happy with myself! I had, FINALLY, after 10 years of Christmas for my girls (ten because Riley Mac received gifts, when she was still in utero), figured out what worked for us! #IAmClearlyADaughterInLawGenius
Then, the box arrived...
First, while it is hard to determine the scale of the box in this picture, I can physically fit INSIDE it! THAT is how monstrous! According to the UPS label, it measures three feet in length and weighs 25 pounds. (I could feel my blood pressure rising, as soon as I dragged it inside the house, with the help of my oldest child!) I decided to remain calm (knowing that she LOVES these girls) and see what was inside, before losing my shit!
You all may not know this, but you know what I loathe *almost* as much as glitter?? EFFIN' POPCORN PEANUT PACKING SHIT! IT ADHERES TO EVERYTHING, THROUGH SOME SORT OF MAGIC MEETS SCIENCE STATIC PROPERTIES! YOU CANNOT GET IT OFF THE CONTENTS OF THE PACKAGE, NOR YOURSELF, NOR THE FLOOR, NOR YOUR CAT!! Basically, the moment you open said box - EXPLOSION!! (It is like a damn Jack-in-the-Box, is what it is like!) It comes shooting out, EVERYWHERE! What miraculously remained in the box is CERTAIN to spill out, as you dig up and remove the buried treasures. There is, literally, NO WAY to get the items out, WITHOUT EFFIN' CAT AND CHILDREN CHOKING HAZARDOUS MATERIALS FLYING OUT, IN ALL DIRECTIONS! HOW SAID ECOSYSTEM DEPLETING MATERIALS GET FROM JUST OUTSIDE THE BOX TO CLEAR ACROSS THE OPPOSITE END OF THE HOUSE IS STILL A COMPLETE MYSTERY TO EVERY SCIENTIST IN THE WORLD, BUT OH HOW THEY DO!!
Once past the indestructible, space-like, inedible death nuggets, the first thing I noticed was the gifts the girls requested, right on the top. I began to calm a bit thinking, "Everything is going to be okay. It is probably just mostly carcinogenic styrofoam. All good!" Then, I kept digging.
EXHIBIT A. Here, you see the Pomsies and Wrapples that each of my girls requested. Notice anything perplexing, though? Yep, I have THREE girls. Yet, there are FOUR of each toy. I presume she loves one more than the other two. (I have decided to share this information with my girls and let them battle it out, in an effort to figure out who is the favorite and deserves TWO of each toy.)
EXHIBIT B. PEZ. PEZ, for the upteenth year, IN A ROW! Friends, do YOU know if my girls are allowed to eat candy? (Ooooh..I bet you do! In fact, I bet the Walmart cashier AND the waitress at our favorite restaurant, also, KNOW!) EVERYONE EFFIN' KNOWS! EVERYONE RESPECTS THIS! MY FRIENDS, MY FAMILY, MY NEIGHBORS, THEIR TEACHERS, THEIR COACHES, THEIR FRIENDS, EVERYONE ELSE IN WARREN'S FAMILY, EVERY SANTA WE HAVE EVER TAKEN A PICTURE WITH, EVERY EASTER BUNNY THAT HAS HOPPED IN OUR DIRECTION, EVE.RY.ONE! Want to guess who, also, KNOWS?!?! (OOOOOOOOOOH...SHE KNOWS!! YES, SHE DOES!) YET, I CONTINUE TO RECEIVE PEZ AND CHEESE PUFFS AND SHIT SHE **KNOWS** I AM GOING TO NOT JUST THROW AWAY, BUT BURN IN A PILE OUT IN THE BACKYARD, WHILE WALKING ABOUT SAID FIERY PIT, CHANTING, HOLDING THE POSTER I MADE ABOUT SUGAR AND TOOTH DECAY AND ALL THINGS STICKY AND BRA BURNING AND WOMEN'S RIGHTS!
EXHIBIT C. A Fingerling. The Fingerling I told her my girls already had, as it was THE gift, last year. (Remember, YOU helped find like a million of them, shipped them to me, and helped make a lot of kids' Christmases?! Same Fingerling.) Upon questioning this item, she explained that my middle child asked her for a Fingerling, with a baby. (Mmmhmm, mmmhmm. Okay. Fair. Does my daughter need a SECOND Fingerling (even if it does have a baby) that she will play with for three minutes and forget about? No, no she does not. BUT kids ask for shit they do not need all the time!) Okay, I see your point. Just one more question...
EXHIBIT D. WHY ARE THERE **SEVEN** OF THEM?!?! (#$%*&@#$%!!!)
I cannot even! Someone, have a drink for me, as I am three months sober/pregnant (and it would be sorely frowned upon). "I don't know what [else] to say, except it's Christmas, and we're all in misery." - Ellen Griswold
**Dearest Mother-in-Law: If you come across this, remember that I have been with your son, for over 17 years. You should know me and my humor, by now. This post is meant to be facetious. The girls are going to have a fantastic Christmas, in part because of your love and generosity. While I may not let you know it enough, I am lucky to have you as my mother-in-law, and I DO love you (most days). ;)
