"My Lovely Lady Lumps"

I went to Walmart, yesterday afternoon. As I was walking out the door, the guy in the yellow vest leaned toward me. (You know the guy. The man - or woman - in yellow, who tries to harass you as you leave the premises, with his/her weaponized highlighter in hand.) When it comes to these yellow-clad associates, I am always ready to get into a knock-down-drag-out argument, for several reasons. 1 - I KNOW you watched me pay at the self-checkout counter, not even 30 feet away from you. (Seriously, I saw you staring at me, while I loudly cursed the plastic bags that REFUSE to open.) 2 -The receipt is on my phone, and I am not going to go through the annoyance of looking it up, showing you my phone, or allowing you to touch my phone. (It is flu season, and I have no idea where your hands have been.) 3 - I simply flat out refuse to participate in such nonsense. If you have reasonable suspicion to believe that I have stolen something, you best send someone after me. (That person can go through my bags, as they load them in my vehicle. Please, do not forget to return the cart to the corral. Then, hop on in! You can come home with me and unload/put all this shit away, too.)

Anyway, so the man leaned in, and I am ready to let him have it. Then, he whispers: "Did you get your black-eyed peas?" 

Me, whispering back (for reasons I still do not understand): "I beg your pardon?"

"Your black-eyed peas, for tomorrow?"

"Ummm...like...the band? As in music?"

I could tell I had said something wrong, because he started to look at me, like I was from another planet. "Uh, no. Peas. Like you eat. You are supposed to eat them. TOMORROW!"

Me, now looking at him like HE is the alien: "Uh..you will have to forgive me. I am not from here. I have no idea what traditions people hold, in this county."

Man, clearly perplexed: "It is not a county thing. I do not think, anyway? I think it is everywhere, at least in the South."

"Uh huh. Well, I am not from the South, either."

"That is okay. I do not even like them. I think they are gross."

Me, still so confused: "Riiiiight. Oookay. Well. Have a Happy New Year (searches name tag), Dylan!"

"You, too! Hey, do you have your receipt?"

Me, shouting over my shoulder: "The only thing I stole was the can of black-eyed peas!!"