The Walk

After dinner, I decided I wanted to go for a walk. The first girl I found was Charleston, my five year old. She had her headphones on, so I motioned at her. When she removed them, I said, "Mommy is going to go for a walk. Would you like to come?" "A walk?" Thinking she did not hear me, "Yes, a WALK." "Oooh! Mrs. Bethany (the nanny) has taken me on one of those before! I think I was three. Sure!" (Listen, I realize we have become lazy and complacent, during COVID-19 times, but we are not THAT lazy!!)

Upon talking to all three bigs, I went to the garage to get the stroller ready for Miss Scotland. When I walked back inside the house, I discovered that Charlie had changed, in preparation for the "walk." I took one look at her and said, "No!" She protested, until I said, "It is not THAT type of walk!"

Finally, after all the girls put on comfortable shoes and normal clothing (as normal as we could all agree upon), we embarked on our journey. We walked down our driveway and had not even made it to the house next door, when Campbell said, "Mommy, you have on your pajamas." I looked down and said, "Yeah, I know. Tis the season!" (Honestly, I did not know.)

Apparently, now starts the time, where I am to be judged by my daughters. I knew it was coming. I just thought I had a few years. However, this did make me take an assessment. Two of the four girls looked like straight up war orphans. The third had on leggings that were entirely too short. The baby..well..no one judges a baby (but it was bad). In retrospect, today was probably NOT the best day to make our Neighborhood Walk debut.

We made it just around the first turn on our road, when Charleston said, "Shew! I am building up a sweat!" I said, "We have been walking for SIX minutes." Charlie: "Well, I am HOT! I should have brought water." Campbell, chiming in: "I asked, before we left. She said no!" Charlie: "Why? Mommy has water." Me: "Keep walking, Ladies!" (It was definitely not water.)

We passed our friends, the Bonhams. We walked up an enormous hill and passed my parents' house. Charleston: "How many hours have we walked?!" Campbell: "ZERO!" Charleston: "Then, how many MINUTES??" Riley Mac, looking at my phone: "14!"

A few minutes after that, as we approached the Younts' backyard, one of their dogs started to go nuts. Campbell: "How many dogs do they have?" Me: "A bunch." Cam: "Why do they have so many dogs?" Me: "Because their dogs are like their kids. They have a ton of dogs. I have a ton of kids. Tis the same thing." (Except I bet their dogs do not ask incessant questions all the time.) Charlie: "That dog's name is Lily." Me: "Mmmm." Charlie: "No, it is! They told me." Me: "Okay." Me, whispering to the two bigs: "I bet you $20 that dog's name is NOT Lily!" Charlie (apparently hears like a dog): "YES! IT IS, MOMMY!" Me: "Okay, okay!! Her name is Lily! 'Hi, Lily! How are you?'" Charlie: "I know what you are doing! Her name IS Lily!" Me, acting like she is insane: "What? I know! It is totally Lily! I agree. I was just saying hello!" Charlie: "Call Laura, right now! Her name is Lily!!" Me: "Yep. I totally will." Me, absolutely not calling Laura: "She did not answer, but I for sure think you are right."

Two seconds later, we arrived at the Campbell residence. Charleston, a few paces behind the group: "Mommy, may I walk without my shoes on?" Me: "No, Honey. The road will hurt your feet." Charlie: "No, it does not. I have already been testing it." I looked back, to see Charlie carrying one shoe (just for shits and giggles). Me: "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! PUT YOUR SHOE BACK ON! THIS IS A ROAD! WE HAVE NO IDEA WHERE IT HAS BEEN!!" (I guess I think blacktops can contract STDs.)

We walked the entire subdivision and back around, all the way to the end of our driveway. Unfortunately, our driveway goes straight uphill. (The grade never bothered me, until we finished building, moved in, and I went to get our mail that first day. I almost died!) I am guessing it is close to 200 feet in length, at a 35/40 degree angle. (I am absolutely measuring this, tomorrow.) As we stood at the end, I said, "This walk was NOTHING compared to what this driveway is about to be, Girls! Brace yourself!" Riley Mac: "I think we can do it." Me, my competitive self suddenly emerging: "Ooooh..not only can we do it, but I can do it the fastest!"

Before I knew it, I was counting to three, and we all started sprinting up an INSANELY loooong, angled hill! While gasping for air and pushing a stroller, I shouted at Mac, who was directly beside me, "I am NOT stopping! Do not let your MOTHER beat you!" (The damn thing beat me, but by less than two feet!) Mac and I turned to the others, who were 15 and 20 feet behind us, "You two should be ASHAMED of yourselves!!" Me, bent over, praying I did not have a heart attack, but still capable of throwing shade: "Mommy just BEAT you, while pushing a STROLLER, with a VERY squishy baby!!" Charlie: "My shoe fell off!" Me: "KEEP THOSE DAMN SHOES ON!!!" Campbell: "My legs are the shortest!" Me: "Fair point!" Mac: "I won! That is all I know!" Me: "Want to know what *I* know? You will NOT beat me, next week!"

Soooo...now, I am back to old myself and on an exercise regimen. It has been WAAAAY too long! I am coming for you, Weight Loss and Four Young Girls! I.AM.COMING.FOR.YOU.ALL!! (After this chocolate chip cookie and wine, of course.)